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On a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in
Minnesota, a cop on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective
clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor is frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
The cop whipped out his dick and pissed on the
carbuetor, promptly warming the carburettor
as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the police station received a
note of thanks from the father of the motorbike
rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."
••
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.
When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that
he had spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the
shopping center and they complimented her
on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard.
I was surprised about the subject matter, as
he's only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.
When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that
he had spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the
shopping center and they complimented her
on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard.
I was surprised about the subject matter, as
he's only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."
••
Me:How's my dad?
Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition.
*shout from inside room.
"You've never lived to up to your potential!"
Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition.
*shout from inside room.
"You've never lived to up to your potential!"
••
There was a farmer named Kellogg who raised
sheep, and he had this surly, unpredictable ram
which boldly tried to escape the pasture at any
opportunity.
He also had quite a temper (the ram, not Kellogg)
A bunch of ravens had their nests nearby--about
20 ravens in all.
Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more
than 4 sheep are a flock, etc.
Anyway, these ravens loved to harass the ram.
They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until
he charged at them.
Then they'd all fly upward and the ram would
crash into the fence.
Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of
the way in time and he was crushed against the
fence post.
The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his
sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly.
The ravens, working together, pushed it open,
and lured the ram out into the hayfield.
They flew towards the baling machine, the ram
bleating furiously all the way.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up--and
the ram ran straight into the baler.
He came out the other side in a mangled
package.
Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him,
satisfied, leaving the farmer with:
Two swoops of ravens on a package of
Kellogg's brazen ram.
sheep, and he had this surly, unpredictable ram
which boldly tried to escape the pasture at any
opportunity.
He also had quite a temper (the ram, not Kellogg)
A bunch of ravens had their nests nearby--about
20 ravens in all.
Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more
than 4 sheep are a flock, etc.
Anyway, these ravens loved to harass the ram.
They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until
he charged at them.
Then they'd all fly upward and the ram would
crash into the fence.
Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of
the way in time and he was crushed against the
fence post.
The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his
sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly.
The ravens, working together, pushed it open,
and lured the ram out into the hayfield.
They flew towards the baling machine, the ram
bleating furiously all the way.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up--and
the ram ran straight into the baler.
He came out the other side in a mangled
package.
Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him,
satisfied, leaving the farmer with:
Two swoops of ravens on a package of
Kellogg's brazen ram.
••
Little Sam (on phone): My son is having high
fever and he won’t be able to come to school
today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!
fever and he won’t be able to come to school
today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!
••
Teacher said the students to convert the
sentence “I killed a person” into future tense.
Suddenly Gus stands up and said, Sir the future
tense is “u will go to jail”!
sentence “I killed a person” into future tense.
Suddenly Gus stands up and said, Sir the future
tense is “u will go to jail”!
••
We were watching The Discovery Channel on
the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced
myself first.
the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced
myself first.
••
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position
tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on
the sofa and fart.
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position
tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on
the sofa and fart.
••
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his damn head.
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his damn head.
••
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return,
boomerang style, that's the last time I ever
believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers...
boomerang style, that's the last time I ever
believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers...
••••
