••

 

••

♥

 

There's nothing worse than when you tell
someone it's a long story and they reply with
"I have time."

 

••

Thanks for being here right on time.
 We'll see you in a few hours.
- Doctors

 

••

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one
word: the word, I'm dumb.
Thats it.
That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did
I get this?, you can be like, Oh, I'm dumb!

 

••

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous,
but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack
my head open in the middle of having sex.

 

••

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town
drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man,
who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is
the sentence of this court that you be taken
from here to a place of execution and there
hanged by the neck until DEAD."

 

••
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man,
and looked up at the judge, at which time the
judge shrugged and responded "I've always
wanted to do that."

 

••

They'll continuously make Fast & Furious
movies until it's a bunch of old men trying to
get out of a grocery store parking lot ...

 

••

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says
"Ya want a box for them?"
"I was willing to pay" I said "but I guess we can
fight for em"...

••
I'm old enough to remember when having a
long cord on the home phone was privacy.

••••

 

#2840

☺☺

 

••

♥

 [first day as aquarium guide]
 Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball..
 Guy: that's an octopus..
 Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus.

••

Karate is a good skill to have...
if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.

 

••

I made a mistake asking Siri 'What do women

want'?
My phone hasn't stopped talking for 3 days!

 

••

 [date]

 Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
 Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you........
 Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

 

••

Shopping with friend....

"Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your
leftover pizza!"
Me: "What's leftover pizza?

 

••

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a

nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she
declined on account of she had taken a vow
abstaining from Carnival pleasures.

 

••

Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the

first person to the red light.

 

••

 [Red Lobster]

 Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp.
 Me: bring me the endless shrimp
 5 days later>
 Waiter: please leave, I have a family...

••

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first
thought is pity, but then I think it probably
deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

 

••

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of

customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when
he's not there.

 

••

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn't

make you...discomfortable....

••

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the
water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah, but daddy has insurance.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Good Cop: step away from the ledge....
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops...

 

••

How about the old gal that died and went to
heaven.
After she had been for a while - she had a
meeting with God.
She commented about her life.
She talked about how when she and her husband
were sick how God came through and cured
them!
How they had great children and praised God
for helping but, one question she had was :
" I never could understand why you always
came through when we had many problems
but I never did win a power ball"?
God responded: " Well to win a power ball -
you have to first buy a ticket".

 

••

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle,
and the shy modesty of his distant relative the
combover falcon.

 

••

[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes
with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my
pizza? 

••
I was watching a boxing match on tv
when suddenly, a hockey game broke out.

 

••

I called the IRS and told them I refuse to pay
taxes ever again.
They said no problem -- as an inmate, I won't
make enough to be required to file taxes anyway.
 

••
I was recently on line at the local supermarket..
I was purchasing a dozen eggs and a 12-pack
of soda.
I mistakenly used the express lane, which allows
12 items or fewer, so I had to get on line twice.

 

•• 

Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.

 

••

An elementary school teacher decides to pole
the class on the difficulty of last night's
homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the
assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands.
How many people we able to complete the
assignment with the help of a parent?
About 70% of the class raises their hand.
The teacher still notices about 5% of the class
did not raise their hands.
She then calls out, "How many people had to
help a parent complete your assignment?

 

••

Just got pulled over by a cop -
He said, papers? I said, "scissors I win",
and drove off.

 

••••

 

••

 

••

♥

 

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on
my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift*
Thank him for me, willya?

 

••

Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ?
If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete,
you'd be shot on the spot.

 

••

I asked my yoga instructor about her schedule
she said she's flexible.

 

••

Hymns for Senior Citizens.....
"Precious Lord, Take My hand and Help Me Up”..
"It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”..
"Just a Slower Walk with Thee”..
"Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”..
"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”..

 

••

If tomatoes are classified as a fruit, doesn't that
mean ketchup is technically a smoothie?
 

••
I broke my leg and the doctor said he was going
to put me in a cast.
How does he expect me to sing and dance in
this condition?

 

••

Daughter: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
Daughter: "But I don't have a ................................

 

••

Finally, the relatives of the inventor of the clock
have released his autobiography.
It's about time.

 

•• 

A guy was driving down the highway with his
smokin' hot blonde girlfriend and she said to him,
'I think those people in the car next to us are
from another country.
'Why is that?' he said.
'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it
says,
 ...'stit ruoy su wohs '..

 

••

Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately
known as "Please stop taking pictures of my
flowers you weirdo."

 

••••

 

 

♠♠

 

♠♠

♥

On a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in
Minnesota, a cop on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective
clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor is frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
The cop whipped out his dick and pissed on the
carbuetor, promptly warming the carburettor
as promised. 
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the police station received a
note of thanks from the father of the motorbike
rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."

••
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.
When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that
he had spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the
shopping center and they complimented her
on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard.
I was surprised about the subject matter, as
he's only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."

 

••

Me:How's my dad?
Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition.
*shout from inside room.
"You've never lived to up to your potential!"

 

••

There was a farmer named Kellogg who raised
sheep, and he had this surly, unpredictable ram
which boldly tried to escape the pasture at any
opportunity.
He also had quite a temper (the ram, not Kellogg)
A bunch of ravens had their nests nearby--about
20 ravens in all.
Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more
than 4 sheep are a flock, etc.
Anyway, these ravens loved to harass the ram.
They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until
he charged at them.
Then they'd all fly upward and the ram would
crash into the fence.
Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of
the way in time and he was crushed against the
fence post.
The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his
sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly.
The ravens, working together, pushed it open,
and lured the ram out into the hayfield.
They flew towards the baling machine, the ram
bleating furiously all the way.
At the last moment, the ravens pulled up--and
the ram ran straight into the baler.
He came out the other side in a mangled
package.
Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him,
satisfied, leaving the farmer with:
Two swoops of ravens on a package of
Kellogg's brazen ram.

 

••

Little Sam (on phone): My son is having high
fever and he won’t be able to come to school
today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!

 

••

Teacher said the students to convert the
sentence “I killed a person” into future tense.
Suddenly Gus stands up and said, Sir the future
tense is “u will go to jail”!

 

••

We were watching The Discovery Channel on
the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced
myself first.

••
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position
tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on
the sofa and fart.

 

••

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his damn head.

 

••

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return,
boomerang style, that's the last time I ever
believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers...

 

••••