••

 

 

••

♥

 

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache,
and suddenly she's not your friend anymore..

••
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law..
I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or
an attorney-at-pottery..

••
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk..
ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where..?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft..

••
A coach load of rednecks on a mystery tour decided to run
a sweepstake to guess where they were going..
The driver won $52.00!

 

••

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark,
so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by
playing a game in which they identified animals..
"I'm going to describe something to you..
Let's see if you can guess what it is..
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees.."
The children looked at her blankly..
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns.."
No response....... This wasn't going well at all!
Finally a kid volunteered:
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure
sounds like a squirrel to me!"

 

••

Alcohol doesn't agree with me..
It thinks my wife is attractive.....

 

••

Is this one haunted.?
"No.."
What about that one.?
"Ma'am, none of the booze is haunted.."
What kind of wine and spirits store is this.?!

 

••

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet..

••
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch
Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen..
 What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.l.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my
Etch-A-Sketch. ?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it..

 

••

"Nice" - first kangaroo to realize it had a pocket..

 

••••

 

                

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who
aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day..

My mom texted me asking what "DTF" meant and I told her
"Dedicated To Family"...I seriously can't wait for her to use it..

 

•• 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and
asked the bartender:
 Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
 Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
 Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
 Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
 Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
 Bartender: "What's a 15?"
 Blonde: "7 and 7"

 

••

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you, Grandma..
Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising
us."
The grandmother was curious..
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked..
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he
would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.."

 

••

It's that time of the month when my wife is miserable and
you can't go anywhere near her..
She'll be okay in a few days though: that's when I get paid..
 

••
Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by a zebra
crossing..
 One says, "Don't cross here!"
The other one says, "Why not?"
The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

 

••

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby
and cry louder than it to assert your dominance..

 

•• 

Breaking News.....
South Carolina just passed legislation banning the sale of
aspirin and
Tylenol anywhere in the state..
They said the reason is obvious..
Forcing people to pick cotton under the cap is racist!

 

••

5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero f
or school..
Me: Aw, you came to me..
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman.?

 

••••

 
 

•• 


 

☺ºº☺

••

♥

"Babe I'm ready for bed.."
 "Why so early its the weekend?"
    [background]
 "Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison's
local business men.." 

 

•• 

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it..
He phones the police and says, “Bejesas, I’ve just found a
sandwich dat looks like a bomb..
The operator asks, “Is it tickin?
Paddy says, “No I tink it’s beef.”

 

••

Sheep are itchy..... They have fleece..

 

••

News report: "President Obama revealed during an address
from the Oval Office last night that he has devised yet
another plan to revive the US economy.
The economic stimulus program is now called
"economic elecro-shock therapy"..
 

••
My first Gamblers Anonymous meeting is tomorrow..
 I phoned them to check the time. It's ten to one..

••
Two men were down at the pub talking..
The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that
she won't let me do any work around the house..
It's incredible !"
The second man says, "That's nothing..
 My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God?
What makes you say that?"
"Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

 

••

Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a
car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road..

 

••

A magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed
to impress them..
 To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please
give me an egg..
For I shall show you a marvelous trick..'
One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us,
it would have reached you long before'..

 

••

 [interview]
What is your greatest strength..?
"Throwing my voice.."
You're hired.!
 "Ok great, thanks.."
Wait I didn't say- oh wow you're good..

 

••

A group of working men and women were enjoying
happy hour at a local bar..
One of them asked what time others went to bed
on work nights..
A blonde piped up from the end of the bar and said "Well,
if I'm not in bed by ten o'clock, I just go home.."

 

••••

 

••

 

♣♣

♥

I wish all my electronics came with as
much memory as my wife..

 

••

My friend Zippy just passed The Bar Exam..
Hope I can get free drinks at whatever bar he lands a job at...

 

••

Irony:
Posting a "No Trespassing" sign on your property
and someone steals the sign......

 

••

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for
some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half
attention to his replies..
"Are you feeling OK?" he asked..
"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with
every man I meet," she admitted..
 "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began
carrying her to the couch....... "It's called 'Good..

 

••

[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages
because they woke daddy up early one time..

••
I ordered a wake-up call the other day..
The phone rang and a woman's voice said,
"What the hell are you doing with your life?"

••
I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me
on the way I had cooked his steak..
"Well done" is rare from a medium..
 

••
Unfortunately, my wife wears a not-in-the mood ring..

••
My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the
office today? Is everything okay?"
I told him, "Yep, all under control..
 It's been busy..
 I haven't had a break all day."
"Great. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, boss. What?"
"Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

 

••

More than anything else, doughnuts have contributed
to my personal growth.. 

 

••••

 

                                                                      

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

Gus was checking his itemised lawyers bill..
 One item read:-
 Spotted you across the street..
Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case..
When I got there it was not you after all.
$20 dollars..

 

☺☺

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the
Israel Philharmonic..
 He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines
of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the
building..
 Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was
named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author..
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him..
 What did he write?"
"A check."

 

☺☺

Q. If a peacock lays 123 eggs a day how many eggs will
there be in 456 days?
A. Peacocks don't lay eggs peahens do..
 

☺☺
Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband?
 Wife: he gives me no privacy..
 Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true..
 

☺☺
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still
get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice..

☺☺
The invitation said BYOB, so it definitely felt awkward to
show up with all this beer at Bob's Bible study..
 

☺☺
Apparently a large amount of America's teenagers
are suffering from low self esteem and body image issues..
Not all of them though, it's just the depressed, fat and
ugly ones..

 

☺☺

My wife and I are trying to conceive of how we ever came
up with the foolish idea to get married.....

 

☺☺

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy?
what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me: uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

 

☺☺

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time..
At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number
to play.."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her
age..
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25..
The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up..
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted..

 

☺☺

Today, in the US, the average man has 1.7 children..
 I was told this fact by my 0.3 brother..

 

☺☺☺☺