••
♥
Just heard Caitlyn Jenner will have a new reality show.
It will be called "Gender Renovation".
Like those home remodeling shows, the audience will able to
watch old parts being torn out and new parts installed.
It should be a bloody hit.
••
I find the most time consuming part of taking my dog for a
walk is cleaning the poop off the treadmill.
••
Husband - i have a problem ....
Wife - how many times must i tell you that it is "we,"
"we have a problem".
Husband - Ok, sweetie, we have a problem.
My secretary is having our baby..
••
A guy is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend
when he's pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been
drinking, Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me
suspicious."
••
A guy's on the electric chair.
The warden's just about to pull the switch when
the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you
please do (hic)... could you please do something
to scare me?"
••
Two women were bemoaning the state of the
Health Service.
One said, "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old
mother has been waiting over a year for her
operation?"
"That's appalling," said the other woman.
"What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."
"I know," said the first woman.
"It got so bad that at one point I even said to her,
'Mum, do you really need bigger b**bs?'
••
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda
Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked
one of the corners off.
••
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
••
Little Johnny goes up to his mom and says,
"Mommy, I have a drinking problem.
I need help."
His mom, of course, freaks out.
She yells, "How did this happen?!"
She turns to her husband and says, "This is all
your fault!
You're the one that comes home drunk and gives
such a bad example to all of our children."
He yells back, "Oh, I'm the one that does it?
I do nothing but give to this family!
Your the one that was drinking beer while br**st
feeding when I told you not to!"
She yells, "Get out! You are a horrible person and
I never want to see you again!"
He grabs his collection of stuff and yells, "Fine!
I don't need you!" and he walks out of the door.
Little Johnny is standing there crying, not
knowing what to think of the situation other than
he knows his dad is gone.
His mom turns to him and says, "Don't cry
Johnny, it will be fine... Now just tell mommy all
about your drinking problem and we will get
you some help."
Little Johnny says, "Well... the problem is,
if Amanda drinks 3 quarts of orange juice, and
Suzy drinks 2, how much orange juice did they
drink?"
••
My doctor says I’m in the first stages of
Fossilization.
••••
