♠♠

••

♥

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to 

celebrate my new gun. 

••

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were 

dirty.

She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. 

My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with 

hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

••

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems 

because your other friends are tired of hearing about them. 

••

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open 

the front door very excited. 

Unable to attend the game, his father immediately 

wanted to know what happened. 

"So, how did you do son?" he asked.

 "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. 

"I was responsible for the winning run!"

 "Really? How'd you do that?"

 "I dropped the ball."

••

Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses 

and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing 

glasses. 

••

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. 

Bet it won't do me any good either."

••

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. 

Now he'll never have any friends. 

••

Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and 

super rich, I’m kind of disappointed with Bill Gates. 

••

I walked in to our house to find my wife and 

children all standing at the front door talking to 

a middle-aged woman. 

"Hello, all," I announced. 

 My kids ran to me and told me the lady was 

from 'Sesame something'. 

"The census bureau?" I asked. 

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted 

excitedly. 

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging 

that I had read about the door to door visits in 

the paper. 

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her 

that these children were from Cuba and that she 

should take them away. 

"Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" 

I asked. 

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and 

my wife hit me. 

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us 

down as 'Black Irish'." 

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my 

wife hit me. 

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. 

I'm gonna go take a dump." 

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, 

my wife hit me. 

••

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, 

Chuck Norris does both legs at once. 

••

I was cleaning my Coleman lantern today when 

all of a sudden a redneck genie appeared. 

He said that for freeing him from the lantern, 

he would grant me three wishes, providing they 

involved duct tape, domestic beer, or 

line dancing.

•••• 

••

••

♥

I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby 

diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and 

"Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called 

"Depends”. 

Well here is the low down on the whole thing: 

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, 

Hug'em and Pamper ‘em. 

When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will. 

Hope that was helpful. 

••

The parents were very disappointed in the grades 

that their son brought home.

"The only consolation I can find in these awful 

grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he 

never cheated during his exams." 

••

I love my comfy new bed so much that every night 

I've been sleeping with it under my pillow. 

••

Girl of my dreams... 

I met the girl of my dreams the other day in the park and I 

couldn't stop crying. 

Damn pepper spray. 

••

A friend of mine just got divorced. 

They split the house. He got the outside. 

••

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady 

to the pilot. 

"You will bring me down safely, won't you? 

"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've 

never left anyone up there yet!"

••

Just remember: 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder. 

••

Two doctors discussing:

Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. 

Why, the other night when he got home he knew 

there was something he wanted to do, but he 

couldn't remember what it was until he had sat 

up over an hour trying to think."

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed 

early."

••

Every time I sit down I can smell Big Macs, 

Quarter Pounders and Flame Grilled Whoppers... 

I've just been diagnosed with Assburger's 

Syndrome.

••

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save 

money. 

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 

purse. 

••••

☺ºº☺

♣♣

♥

Some news....

A cascade of mishaps followed one Orlando area driver Monday

making the it memorable for all the wrong reasons. 

WKMG: “A truck driver crashed into a fire hydrant Monday in 

Apopka,… on Yvonne Street, causing the street to flood and 

opening a hole in the roadway. 

Neighbors said the driver pulled into a driveway after hitting 

the hydrant, got out and inspected the damage.  

The truck doors locked, however, so the driver kicked out the 

back window to get back into the truck, neighbors said.  

They added that the driver tried to leave the area but drove into 

the hole.”

And how was your day?

••

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. 

I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses 

begin with Miller or Budweiser than Kay. 

••

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the 

doctor says, "Guess how many fingers." 

••

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. 

That's a heck of a place to put a call center. 

••

Adam and Eve were the first people... 

to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading 

them. 

••

My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. 

She's right: I'm looking for the mute button. 

••

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, 

"You know, honey. I think there might be some 

real merit to what this article says; that the 

intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling 

block to the son." 

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife. 

"At least our James has nothing standing in 

his way."

••

I'm not allowed on cruise ships anymore. 

It all started with that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding. 

••

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder. 

••

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked 

me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him 

in terms he could understand, then told him, 

“It’s something like your sister’s room, but 

without that stereo.”

♦♦♦♦

••

••

♥

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching 

To reverse and leaving the scene

••

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it 

says "Don't be a smart-ass"..... 

••

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the 

IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. 

He hates me. 

••

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, 

keep your guard up. 

You're experiencing what scientists refer to as 

"the eye of the shitstorm." 

••

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. 

You'd think they would have went before the race.

••

Wal-Mart announced plans to open its first retail stores in 

India and China. 

Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read “Made Here”... 

••

I got kicked out of Walmart the other day... 

I walked into the store and saw a yellow sign with big bold 

letters: WET FLOOR 

So I did..

••

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of 

sucking his thumb. 

His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop 

sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over 

for a game of bridge. 

The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman 

and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

••

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped 

and fell before it got to you. 

••

The best description of Obamacare so far: 

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: 

"We have to pass it, to find out what's in it." 

A physician called into a radio show and said: 

"That's the definition of a stool sample." 

••

Woman to friend : "I know I serve well-balanced 

meals. 

One day my husband complains and the next day 

the kids complain."

••••

☺

Spam pizza.....ewwwwww

••

♥

Trying to Please Mama....

The first woman was elected U.S. president. 

She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the 

inauguration. 

"I don’t know, dear..... What would I wear?”

"Don’t worry, Mom...... I’ll send a designer to help you.”

"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”

"Mom, I’m going to the president. 

I can get you the food you need.”

"But how will I get there?”

"I’ll send a limo, Mom..... Just come!”

"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”

The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future 

cabinet members. 

She nudged the man on her right. 

“See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? 

Her brother’s a doctor!” 

••

A Very Special Cow.....

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained 

enlightenment?

A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

••

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, 

but he refused to get rid of it. 

So when the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, 

his family was delighted. 

Nonetheless, they called the police.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was 

on the phone. 

"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to 

restrain himself. 

"It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk."

••

A blonde was applying for a job as a prison guard. 

The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. 

Do you think you can handle it?" 

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, 

out they go!"

••

It was the opening day of the big winter sale. 

Rumors and the advertising in the local paper were the main 

reason for the long queue that had formed by 8:30, the opening 

time, in front of the shop. 

A small man pushed his way to the front of the queue, 

only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. 

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the 

jaw and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of 

the queue again. 

As he got up a second time, he said to the person at the end 

of the line: "That does it! If they hit me once more, 

I won't open the shop!" 

•• 

 [drops son off for 1st day at daycare]

 "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock."

 "Not a chance. He's your problem now."

••

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yes, isn’t it? 

Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

••

I put my air conditioner in backwards. 

It got cold outside. 

The weatherman on TV was confused. 

"It was supposed to be hot today."

••

This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside 

food into the movies." 

...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles. 

••

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a 

barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and 

knocked the ladder over. 

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue 

working because someone would surely come around by 

quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of 

anyone. 

So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided 

there was only one way down. 

On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. 

I will go first." Bob jumped.

Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! 

How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" 

Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.

He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up 

to your ankles?"

Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!" 

••••