••
♥
If a woman expects you to open the door for her,
it’s a massive red flag.
Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work
a knob.
••
An optimist is a person who gets treed by a bear
and enjoys the view.
••
In any calculation, any error which can creep in
will do so.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you!
You got so big!" to children.
••
Adults tend to get offended.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet,
keep your guard up.
You're experiencing what scientists refer to as
"the eye of the shitstorm."
••
People in glass houses can throw whatever they
want.
They live in a glass house, I'm not expecting them
to be practical...
••
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the
bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
••
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and
it says "Don't be a smart-ass".
••
"I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves."
••
A woman got a problem with her closet door -
it was felling every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed,
the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close
the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work,
opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it,
but I am waiting for a bus!"
••
I read that drinking vegetable juice improves your health,
so I started drinking vodka… and they were right,
I feel better already.
••••
