Tuesday, March 17, 2015

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I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I
get home I discover they're just REGULAR donuts.

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A thief who was stealing ladies' underwear evaded capture 
today........ He gave police the slip.

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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. 
Took me two hours to convince my dog that he
just had thick fur. 

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I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

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I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on. 
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to 
buy an AK-47.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, 
but our employee handbook had 37 new rules 
added since i started working here....

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In my dream I see us all standing together, 
throwing away differences and rallying for the 
abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread. 

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According to these Father's Day gift sections, 
all dads are clean shaven business men that love 
playing golf and think they're #1. 

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"The place where optimism most flourishes is the 
lunatic asylum."
       -- Havelock Ellis

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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just 
going to wait until she breaks up with everyone 
else so I'm all that's left. 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the 
head with a can of soda? 
Luckily, it was a soft drink. 

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