••

••

♥

Tom had a wife named Ruth. 

David was having an affair with Ruth and Tom found 

out about it sometime later. 

This made Tom very angry so he blasted them both

away with a shotgun when he caught Ruth and David 

in bed together one evening. 

Now Tom no longer had any Ruth in his life. 

His life was now one Ruth LESS than it was while she 

was still living. 

This is how the term "ruthless" came about. 

PS- don't ask me why the former capital R in 

"ruthless" was changed to a lower-case R. 

••

Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. 

Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.

••

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are 

"stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how 

hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

••

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his "1 to 10" well. 

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" 

"Good. What comes after three?” 

"Four," answers the boy. 

"What comes after six?" 

"Seven." 

"Very good," says the teacher. 

"Your erm...dad did a good job. 

Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" 

"A jack!" 

••

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, 

so I shot it...... 

••

Had a band called Free Beer...... 

Looked great on the Marquee, attendance was great...

then the riot squad showed up..... 

••

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer 

keyboard & earned an online college degree. 

••

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet;

 my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. 

"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the 

refrigerator. 

When he falls off, you'll know."

••

I helped organize my lawyer's funeral this week, 

but apparently he has to be dead before we can go 

ahead with it. 

••

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. 

Not sure what I'll do that second week....

••••

#2660

••

••

♥

••

Wife: "Bad day?"

Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."

Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get 

cold."

••

Judging from the sounds in my trunk,

this guy would have had an excellent career as a 

drummer. 

••

I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling 

up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the 

backseat of my car during lunch. 

••

My company just gave the janitor 

the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony 

that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

••

My favorite machine at the gym... 

is the television.

•• 

My wife's been working in our garden for two solid 

days now. 

I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep 

hole like that.

••

OMG!! you're covered in blood! are you ok?"

[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]

you should see the other guy....

•• 

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is 

his dead dog back. 

Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and 

stick it under the tree.

••

They say don't dress for the job you have, but 

for the job you want. 

Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a 

spacesuit. 

••

Why do you never see obese people hiding in trees? 

Because they're really jolly good at it....

••••

••

••

♥

Harry Reid is stepping down due to face problems,

seems keeping track of BOTH of them has become a chore. 

He asked Nancy Pelosi to step down also but she declined 

saying Her face problems weren't paid for yet.......

•• 

What do you call immigrants to Sweden? 

Artificial Swedeners

••

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today.  

Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with 

her mouth closed. 

••

Father: I have 4 sons

 1st- Engineer

 2nd- MBA

 3rd- Ph.D

 4th- Thief

 Neighbor: Why don’t you throw your 4th son out of the 

house?

 Father: He is the only one earning in the house, rest are jobless!!!

••

This dishwasher sucks. 

It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

••

Tell someone you love them today, because life 

is short. 

But shout it at them in German, because life is also 

terrifying and confusing. 

••

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers 

They can have the part behind me.

•• 

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. 

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to 

pop this 3rd bottle of champagne.

••

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got 

there and needed help pulling the door open. 

••

I want to have kids before my parents are

too old to be able to take care of them.

••

I slept like a rock last night, meaning 

I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under 

my belly.

••••

77

••

♥

Newsflash: "Crazed man jumps Whitehouse fence"...... 

Secret service says everything is under control and that 

Obama was caught a short time later. 

••

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, 

“What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with 

hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. 

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. 

“I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at 

something like that. 

Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny....

••

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain. 

••

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair  

is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck. 

••

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the 

boarding announcement at Gate 35. 

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, 

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will 

board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate  

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that 

Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to 

the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public 

address voice spoke again: 

"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program. 

••

I keep having this dream that I'm being carried  

off by a giant squirrel. 

Does that make me nuts? 

••

According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated  

from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I know 

how do calligraphy with a sharpie. 

♦♦

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive 

like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby

in the car? 

••

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car. 

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot 

charging cable. 

••••

••

??????????

••

♥

My morning commute was hectic today.

I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. 

I made it to the couch safely though. 

••

This twitter thing should be a piece of cake...

I've married for 19 years, I'm used to talking and not getting 

a response. 

••

Junior high schools have a zero tolerance policy on name 

calling, so a teacher had a concern when a student complained 

another student had called him the "E" word.

 "E" word? the teacher asked, puzzled as she could not think 

of single bad name beginning with E.

The student lowered his voice and muttered, "idiot"

••

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat 

of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. 

Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver, 

"What's that building there?" 

"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie. 

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" 

asked the Texan. 

"About 12 years," replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and 

four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six 

months."

A while later the cab driver makes his way past the 

Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. 

"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. 

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre,"

 replied the cabbie. 

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" 

asked the Texan. 

"About three years," replied the cabbie. 

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long 

and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes 

us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. 

"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the 

tower. 

"Danged if I know," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when 

I drove by yesterday."

••

Two policemen call the station on their radio. 

 "Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?" 

"Yes?" 

 "We have a case here, Sarge. 

A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the 

floor she had mopped." 

"Have you arrested the woman?" 

"No sir. The floor is still wet." 

••

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic 

candlelit dinner, or just regular dinner? 

••

Sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator  

I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on

and say, “you’re in charge while I’m gone.” 

••

This donut scented car air freshener is going to 

pay for itself next time I get pulled over. 

••

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one 

night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. 

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. 

He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and 

he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to 

calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and 

pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. 

Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, 

then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!" 

••

You're so vain, you probably think  me driving by 

your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black 

with binoculars is about you, don't you? 

••

Man in hospital with Hoover a stuck up his bottom - 

Doctors say he’s picking up nicely....

•••••