••
♥
Bob comes to work to notice his 'Locksmith
Needed' sign missing in the front window.
He unlocked the front door, disarmed the security
system and went to his office where a young man
was sitting waiting for him.
"How the hell did you get into my office?"
The man handed him the sign and said
"I'll tell you if I can have the job"
••
Look at the bright side at least mondays
only happen once a week!
••
A conscience is what hurts when all your
other parts feel so good.
••
Santa Hates Your Kid....
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped,
"Dream on, Chester!"
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes...
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for
shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has
left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a
Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him
on the stupid list...
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight
from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
••
Mrs. Rosen is having her house painted, and her
husband comes home from work and leans
against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You want
to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's
work ahead of me.
Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
••
You cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic
and give in.....
••
Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a
friend of his.
But Michael is a little worried about going out
with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be
stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Joe says, "just go up to her door
and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned.
If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and
fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and
when she comes out he is awe-struck at how
beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly
shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
••
You know what makes a lot of peoples' blood boil?
Crematoriums.....
••
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku,
that's the strongest password I can think of....
••
The children were all lined up for their first
confession when Little Johnny’s turn came.
The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the
boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at
Jimmy.”
“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,”
said the priest patiently.
“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny.
“I hit him.”
••
Constipation is the thief of time,
but diarrhea waits for no man.
••••
