# 2540

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What lies dead on its back one hundred feet in 

the air?

A centipede. 

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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of 

stores for Black Friday sales realize there are 

online sales too. 

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"Hear you've been having car trouble," said one 

neighbor to another.

"Yes," replied the car owner. 

"I bought a new carburetor that saved thirty 

percent on gas, a new transmission that saved 

fifty percent on gas, and a new set of spark plugs 

that saved forty percent on gas."

"So what happened?" asked the neighbor.

"After I drove about forty miles, 

the gas tank overflowed."

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Q: What do you call someone who gets run over 

at a Black Friday sale: 

A: Wal-Martyr.

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I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that 

goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's 

gravy recipe was very specific. 

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The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. 

Their ancestors had come to America on the 

Mayflower. 

They had included Senators and Wall Street 

wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a 

legacy for their children and grandchildren. 

They hired a fine author. 

Only one problem arose — how to handle that 

great-uncle George, who was executed in the 

electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story 

tactfully.

The book appeared. 

It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of 

applied electronics at an important government 

institution, was attached to his position by the 

strongest of ties, and his death came as a great 

shock.”

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I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

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Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in 

case someone has replaced the airbag in my car 

with a boxing glove on a spring. 

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One day a boy asked God, "Is it wrong to sleep 

with a girl before marriage?"

God replied, "No it is not, but the problem is that 

you guys don't sleep..

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What on earth is that?” said the woman to the 

waiter. 

“It’s pressed tongue, Madam.” 

“Good gracious! I could never eat anything that 

came out of an animal’s mouth. 

Bring me a boiled egg please."

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Don't make me angry. 

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 

Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside 

I'm composing a strongly worded email.....

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A student was asked to write a signboard for the 

traffic rules near the school....

He wrote: Drive carefully! 

Don't kill the students......wait for the Teachers..

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“Workers in an upholstery business demanded a 

wage hike to cushion the high cost of living.”

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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday 

gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water 

pistol. 

He squealed with delight and headed for the 

nearest sink. 

I was not so pleased. 

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. 

Don't you remember how we used to drive you 

crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

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You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th 

grade as "my senior year." 

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A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, 

"Who's your favorite person in the Bible?"

Susie said, "King Solomon."

"Can you tell us why?"

"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals."

"What do you mean?"

"He had six hundred wives and three hundred 

porcupines."

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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another 

man had his eyes closed. 

 "What's the matter? Are you sick?" 

 "No, I'm okay. 

It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."  

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I was asked how long I had worked for my 

company. 

I said ever since they threatened to fire me.  

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People often look at me like I'm mental.

They just doesn't understand that I enjoy 

punching ghosts.

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"Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." 

 This is why I never get hired to write advertising 

campaigns.

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking 

along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. 

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat 

runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. 

"Now do you see why it's important to learn a 

foreign language?"

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Being a worm must great. 

Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's 

more" and there always is....

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I think McDonald's should be able to

 turn away customers like a bartender

 would. 

"Three Big Macs please." 

"Sir, I think you've had enough....

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I have many talents... For example:

 Sleeping.

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I’m the type of person who looks at

 the menu for five minutes but ends up

 ordering the same exact thing every

 time...

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Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest' cd, 

not as relaxing as I hoped. 

The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was 

chainsaws and bulldozers...

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A router goes into a doctor's office and says, 

"It hurts when IP." 

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The farmer’s son was returning from the market 

with the crate of chicken’s his father had 

entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box 

fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, 

but the determined boy walked all over the 

neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds 

and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy 

reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed 

sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer 

beamed...... “You left with seven.”

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This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. 

Now she's using the other eye. 

Oh never mind. 

She's falling asleep. 

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Dear public restrooms: 

A toilet paper dispenser should turn loosely. 

Nobody wants to wipe their ass with a handful 

of confetti. 

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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable 

and then realizing that you don't have the remote.

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I never get jealous when I see my ex with 

someone else, because my parents always taught 

me to give my used toys to the less fortunate. 

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 I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for 

medical reasons. 

When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' 

instead of 'Jay'. 

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There are no looters in Ferguson. 

They are just undocumented shoppers.

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The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, 

which must be to stop the problem of people 

rioting and looting in the sky. 

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There is justice in this world. 

Last night in Ferguson, a man stealing tires 

from a car was run over by the man stealing 

the car. 

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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? 

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight 

home to buy your wife a gift. 

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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work 

because the dog just goes "Cool, now we're 

both barking!" 

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I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive. 

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Got caught checking out another woman? 

Turn to your woman and say, "Did you see how 

ugly that girl's hair was?" 

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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman...

 Batman: Yes, she's a thief, but-

 A: No, she pooped on the rug again. 

Right next to the litter box! 

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*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel...

*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt...

*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than 

they appear...

*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel...

*Too much yardage between the goalposts,,,

*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools...

*As smart as bait...

*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash...

*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in 

nostril hair...

*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor..

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Confuse your coworkers today by telling them 

you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3".

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There was a husband and his wife sitting next 

to a drunk in a bar. 

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, 

"ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. 

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the 

husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse 

me, you just farted before my wife." 

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it 

was her turn."

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I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to 

raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak. 

But my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.

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I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and 

soy gravy. 

And its not to say that Thanksgiving will ever 

justify the genocide of the Native Americans. 

But vegan Thanksgiving -- thats just spitting on 

the graves, isnt it? 

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After spending all day Sunday watching football 

on television, a man fell asleep and spent the 

night in the chair. 

His wife woke him in the morning. 

"It's twenty to seven," she called. 

"damn, who scored twenty?"

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What did the farmer get when he crossed a 

centipede with a Turkey? 

50 Drumsticks. 

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Some of the new military cutbacks are brutal. 

The army just unveiled coin operated machine 

guns. 

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Q: If fruit grows on a fruit tree, then what does 

chicken grow on? 

A: A poultry. 

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 

6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! 

We have digital watches!"

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the 

Open Desktop." 

Customer: "Ok." 

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" 

Customer: "No." 

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. 

Do you see a pop-up menu?" 

Customer: "No." 

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. 

Can you tell me what you have done up until this 

point?" 

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and 

I wrote click'."

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What do the Brits say when there's actually 

blood on something? 

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One day at primary school,  the teacher said to 

the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to 

the child who can tell me who was the most 

famous man who ever lived." 

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, 

"It's Bono!" 

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." 

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, 

"It's Sean Connery!" 

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's 

not right either." 

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and 

said, "It was Jesus Christ." 

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, 

Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 

cents. 

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, 

she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, 

I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." 

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, 

but business is business." 

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I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to 

come and wash my hands like the sign says. 

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