••
♥
I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car
insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many
Damn commercials?
••
Grandma says' “For better digestion I drink beer,
in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine,
in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine,
in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch,
and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”
I had to ask, “When do you drink water?”
She replied “I’ve never been that sick!”
••
The office supplier gave us some cheap
toilet paper and now we've got a real mess on our
hands.
••
My wife and I are dieting now...
and by dieting I mean we're not telling each other
about the junk food we eat.
••
Hey, black licorice, stop calling yourself "candy".
You are nothing but a chewy fart and we both
know it.
••
As the bus pulled away, Janet realized she had
left her purse under the seat.
Later she called the company and was relieved to
find out the driver had found her bag.
When she went to pick it up, several off- duty bus
drivers surrounded her.
One of the men handed over her pocketbook,
two typewritten pages, and a box containing the
contents of Janet's purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and
purses," he explained.
"I think you'll find everything there."
As she started to put my belongings back into the
pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't
mind if we watch.
Even though we all tried, none of us could fit
everything into your purse...
and we'd like to see just how you do it."
••
I have lots of great personality traits.
Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms...
••
“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage
counter?” asked the airline passenger.
The clerk replied, “It`s so you can kiss your
luggage good-bye.
••
The office supplier gave us some cheap toilet
paper and now we've got a real mess on our
hands.
••
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my
couch.
I had to explain to him i was married now and
that's where i sleep.
••
A fat lady went into a cafe and ordered two slices
of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover
with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of
chopped nuts.
‘Would you like a cherry on the top ?’ asked the
waitress.
‘No, thanks,’ said the lady, ‘I’m on a diet !’
••
I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
••••
