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♥

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. 

And my advice to you is to have nothing 

whatever to do with it."

       -- W. Somerset Maugham

••

Mommy, Mommy! 

What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't 

eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf...

••

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a 

tourist capsized his boat. 

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him 

clinging to the overturned craft. 

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the 

shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators 

around here?!" 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for 

years!" 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward 

the shore. 

About halfway there he asked the guy, 

"How'd you get rid of the gators?" 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. 

"The sharks got 'em." 

••

Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a 

sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."

 A couple of miles of careful driving later, he 

spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. 

Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the 

stones into the highway maintenance office.

Placing them on the counter, he says to an official:

 "Here are your fallen rocks. 

Now where's my watch?"

••

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give 

you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give 

you?"

Student: "Homework!" 

••

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of 

hiring someone to fill a job opening. 

After sorting through a stack of resumes she 

found four people who were equally qualified. 

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them 

only one question. 

Their answer would determine which of them 

would get the job. 

The day came and as the four sat around the 

conference room table, Jennifer asked, 

'What is the fastest thing you know of?' 

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT'... 

It just pops into your head. 

There's no warning. 

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.. 'And, now 

you sir?', she asked the second man.. 

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink' it comes and goes 

and you don't know that it ever happened. 

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 

'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché 

for speed. 

‘She then turned to the third man, who was 

contemplating his reply. 

'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the 

house and on the wall there's a light switch. 

When you flip that switch, way out across the 

pasture the light on the barn comes on in less 

than an instant. 

'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing 

I can think of'.. 

Jennifer was very impressed with the third 

answer and thought she had found her man. 

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. 

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, 

Jennifer posed the same question. 

Mike replied, 'After hearing the previous three 

answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing 

known is DIARRHEA.' 

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 

'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, 

and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could 

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 

I had already shit my pants.' 

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart 

near you! 

••

If you lead a horse to pretzels 

and then to water, he will definitely drink. 

••

An enraged 15 year old girl came home from 

school, And shouted "I have just done sex 

education lessons at school, Dad, you lied to me!!!, 

you said if I have sex before I am sixteen my 

boyfriend will die." 

The father calmly put down his newspaper and 

said, "Oh he will sweetheart, he will". 

••

I woke up very sore this morning. 

I went to a Seafood Disco last night, and pulled 

a mussel. 

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♥

This milk is so far past its expiration date 

that I'm only going to have a small slice. 

••

My wife said; That fart voided the warranty on 

our new couch.

••

Sex was discovered accidentally by a caveman 

who was just rubbing random things together 

trying to make fire. 

••

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but, 

I'd push someone else in front of you which is 

practically the same thing.

•• 

I learned mathematical fractions from a drug 

dealer. 

He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, 

I'll lose 3 fingers.  

••

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant 

for years now. 

I think she has picked up a few tricks. 

I came home from work early today and she 

was in the bedroom. 

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my friend, Dave, 

came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. 

Poor bastard must have wondered what the 

hell was going on! 

••

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE 

smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.

••

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. 

She made me an appointment for tomorrow 

afternoon.  

••

A man came back to the dealer from whom he 

bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car, ” 

he said. 

“That’s right, sir, ” the salesman answered. 

“We will replace anything that breaks. ”

“Fine, I need a new garage door. ”

••

A man calls his mother in Florida. 

"Mom, how are you?" 

"Not too good," says the mother. 

"I've been very weak." 

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"  

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 

 The man says, "That's terrible. 

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" 

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my 

mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

•• 

The mother in-law phoned today and said, 

"come quick I think I'm dying", I replied, 

"phone me back when you're sure" 

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♥

Sometimes my kid likes me, 

 but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his 

Oreo dealer.  

••

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon 

but he didn't arrive until 5 hours later. 

“How is it? ” he asked entering the house. 

“Not so bad, ” replied the home owner. 

“While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught 

my wife how to swim. ”

••

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. 

Because I have no idea where sandwiches live... 

••

"Pay attention, 007; 

this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, 

if you push this button, a handle comes out and 

you can wheel it." 

••

A doctor got a phone call from one of his 

colleagues. 

“We need a fourth for poker, ” the voice on the 

phone said. 

“I’ll be right over, ” replied the doctor. 

As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, 

“Is it serious? ” 

“Oh yes, quite serious, ” he said gravely. 

“They've had to call in three other doctors as well.'' 

••

My wife walked up to me as I was stroking my.... 

my beanbags and said; 

"What the hell are you doing?" 

"I just read in a magazine that you should check 

for lumps daily" 

"Do you need to have your pants all the way 

down?" she said, 

"Of course" I said... 

"IN WALMART?" 

••

The scariest thing about the terrorists 

is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their 

training camp videos.  

•• 

Marvin and Muriel are lying in bed late one night. 

Suddenly, Marvin seems to grow frisky. 

He touches her big toe. 

He squeezes her ankle. 

He kneads her knee. 

He strokes her thigh. 

Slowly and methodically, his fingers grope higher. 

And higher. 

And then, suddenly, he pulls them away and 

moves back to his own side of the bed. 

“Marvin!” cries Muriel. "

Why did you stop? Do you need some, you know… help?” 

“No, no,” says Marvin.... “Everything’s fine. 

I finally found the remote.” 

••

I bought a new deodorant stick today. 

The instructions said remove the wrapper and 

push up bottom, 

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells 

lovely! 

••

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your 

eyes shut for another day or two to see what 

everyone's saying about you. 

••••

••

Any body got a comb??

••

♥

Special shout out to the CIA, 

who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE 

the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool...

••  

Here are the 10,535 pages of the Patient Protection 

and Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Obama Care) 

condensed to 4 sentences: 

1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have 

to uninsure the insured. 

2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be 

re-insured. 

 3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are 

required to pay extra charges to be re-insured. 

4. The extra charges are required so that the 

original insured, who became uninsured, and 

then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so 

that the original uninsured can be insured, 

which will be free of charge to them. 

••

I used to tip my favorite Hooters waitress $4.20 

Then she got a boob job....now I have to tip her 

$4.60. 

••

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket 

challenge. 

I'm a little confused. 

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at 

the same time?

•• 

I took a serious dump and sprayed pine scented 

air freshener in my bathroom, but it still smells 

like a bear took a shit in the woods. 

••

"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in 

the morning."

••

If Dracula has no reflection 

how does he get such a straight part in his hair? 

••

Just took a shower. 

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that 

thing out of Home Depot. 

••

A mother duck with 8 ducklings  following her is 

probably the cutest thing I've ever almost hit with 

my car. 

••

You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! 

Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

••

Chicken salad with egg in it 

is my fave way to eat two generations. 

••••

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♦♦

♥

"If men were angels, no government would be 

necessary."

       -- James Madison

••

Hamburger Helper only works 

if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs 

help. 

••

If you love a balloon, set it free. 

If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a 

balloon. 

••

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. 

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind 

of language. 

Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" 

"My daddy said it," he responded. 

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. 

"You don't even know what it means." 

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. 

"It means the car won't start." 

••

Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on 

her driver's license. 

••

Dad, will you help me with my homework?" 

"I'm sorry," replied the father. 

"It wouldn't be right." 

"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try." 

••

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. 

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, 

baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years. 

••

Reading an article that said, "spice up your love 

life”. 

One of the suggestions was to make love in a car 

wash. 

It’s also the perfect way to ruin a church fund 

raiser 

••

Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these 

days? 

A: They have yet to meet Dr. Right. 

••

In my experience, the quickest way to escape 

Jury Duty? 

As they read out the charges, yell out, 

"Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"

••

WARNING: if you get a message from me 

with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat 

DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM.... 

♦♦♦♦