••

••

♥

My wife had a really sharp pain in her chest 

this morning, she thought she was having a 

heart attack. 

It turns out it was just a Dorito in her bra. 

••

 A little old lady told a friend of mine the other 

day when they were standing in line together 

that all she had ever wanted to have in life was 

four animals. 

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart 

for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals 

did you want?' 

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, 

a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and 

a jackass to pay for all of it......

•• 

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers 

a woman's birthday, but never remembers her 

age." - Robert Frost 

••

As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family 

get-together at our apartment, which had a 

large grassy field and superb children's 

playground next door. 

My wife organized games outdoors for our 

eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter 

and activity drew other children, until about 

30 kids were playing and clamoring for my 

wife's attention. 

After three hours, she called it quits. 

The next morning while we were getting ready 

for work, two boys knocked on our patio door 

and asked if our children could come out and 

play. 

I told them we had no children...that our 

nieces and nephews had just been visiting. 

Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened 

considerably as they asked, “Well, then, 

can your wife come out and play?” 

••

Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a 

rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you. 

••

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each 

other on a bet. 

The loser had to start wearing his underwear 

on the outside of his pants. 

••

Wanted: Hair-cutter. 

Excellent growth potential.

••

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate 

shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?" 

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "

I did NOT!"

••

What do you call lice on a bald man's head? 

Homeless. 

••

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. 

Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

••••

♣♣

♣♣

♥

How do you identify a bald eagle? 

All of his feathers are combed to one side. 

♣♣

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed 

javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy 

contests, but they keep the crowd's attention. 

♣♣

A little girl came running in the house and said, 

"Mommy, I met the most wonderful man this 

morning. 

It was the garbage man, and he was carrying a 

big bag over his head, and it broke and went all 

over him. 

And, you know, Mommy, he just stood there 

and talked to his mother, his son, and God." 

♣♣

My husband, Michael, and I were at a 

restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older 

man. 

When Michael began a tale, which I was sure 

he had told before, I gave him a kick under the 

table. 

There was no response, so I gave him another 

poke. 

Still the story went on. 

Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, 

"Oh, but I've told you this one before, 

haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. 

Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband 

why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. 

"I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you 

awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. 

Sheepishly we returned to our table. 

The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. 

After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, 

so I passed it along!" 

♣♣

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat 

person, and you accidentally ask them for a 

good place to eat? 

And they look at you and say they don't know. 

And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. 

I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be 

eatin'. '

♣♣

Jim to lawyer: “ I think my wife is fooling 

around.” 

Lawyer: “ How can you be so sure?” 

“Last week I saw her go to a porno movie with 

some strange man.” 

“So why didn’t you follow her?” 

“Nah, I had already seen the flick.” 

♣♣

The ocean was once fresh water but 

Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty. 

♣♣

For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his 

kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or 

brother that was expected at his house. 

One day the mother allowed the child to feel 

the movements of the unborn baby. 

The five-year-old was obviously impressed, 

but made no comment. 

Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about 

the awaiting event. 

Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and 

said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby 

brother or sister you were expecting at home?

“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, 

“I think Mommy ate it!” 

♣♣

When the legislature decides the rules of 

buying and selling,

the first thing to be bought will be the 

legislators. 

♣♣

Today's poem.....

I knew a girl from St. Paul 

Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 

Someone set it on fire 

And burned here entire Front Page, 

Sporting Section and all. 

♣♣♣♣

♦♦

♦♦

♥

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women

who sit at home and have conversations with 

their cats are mentally disturbed." 

My dog's full of useful information like that. 

♦♦

President Obama now says he didn't know how 

bad the economy was when he took office. 

And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the 

next president is going to be saying. 

♦♦

I've just been fired by Pepsi. 

I tested positive for Coke. 

♦♦

David hurried into the elevator of a posh hotel 

and shouted, "Ballroom please!"

A smartly dressed lady standing in front of him 

turned to him and said, "Sorry, we didn't 

realize we were crowding you."

♦♦

The State Department issued a new travel 

warning, urging American citizens to avoid 

Syria. 

It was part of a new set of warnings called, 

'Things you were probably doing already.'

♦♦

Q: What is the difference between 

George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your 

Mother-in-Law?

 A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon 

couldn't tell the truth, your Mother-in-Law 

doesn't know the difference.

♦♦

I was a salesman at one of the big department 

stores in R-Ville. 

One day, a lady walked in and asked me to help 

her select a sky blue shirt that she wanted to 

gift her husband. 

When I asked her about the size, she seemed 

to be at a loss for a while, then suddenly she 

was cheerful, and holding up her arms, she 

formed a circle with her thumbs and forefingers.

"I am not sure about the size, but his neck fits 

perfectly between my hands!"

♦♦

The walgreen's pharmacy was broken into and 

a large amount of viagra was taken.  

The local police said to be on the look out for 

two hardened criminals.

♦♦

“Have you ever tried to eat a clock? 

It's very time consuming.”

♦♦

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to 

be "macho," so he went out walking with one 

of the hired hands. 

As they were walking through the barnyard, 

the visitor tried starting a conversation: 

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' 

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. 

There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

♦♦

That depressing moment when you

dip your cookie into milk for too long,

It breaks off, and you wonder why

bad things happen to good people.

♦♦♦♦

♠♠

••

♥

The Weather Channel has issued a travel 

warning due to the cold weather. 

They suggest that anyone travelling in the 

current icy conditions should make sure they 

have the following: 

  Shovel 

 Blankets or sleeping bag 

 Extra clothing including hat and gloves 

 24 hours worth of food 

 De-Icer 

 Rock Salt 

 Torch or lantern with spare batteries 

 Road Flares or Reflective Triangles 

 Petrol Can 

 First Aid Kit 

 Jump Leads 

 (I looked sorta funny on the bus this morning!) 

••

Got an e-mail today from a bored local 

housewife, 43 who was looking for some hot 

action! 

So I sent her my ironing. 

That’ll keep the her busy. 

••

Representative Tim Moore sponsored a 

resolution in the Texas House of 

Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the 

House to commend Albert de Salvo for his 

unselfish service to "his country, his state and 

his community." 

The resolution stated that "this compassionate 

gentleman's dedication and devotion to his 

work has enabled the weak and the lonely 

throughout the nation to achieve and maintain 

a new degree of concern for their future. 

He has been officially recognized by the state 

of Massachusetts for his noted activities and 

unconventional techniques involving population 

control and applied psychology." 

The resolution was passed unanimously. 

Representative Moore then revealed that he 

had only tabled the motion to show how the 

legislature passes bills and resolutions often 

without reading them or understanding what 

they say. 

Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. 

••

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to 

kill. 

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack 

wasn't what they had in mind. 

••

Mom: I'm on my way home have you finished 

cleaning your room? 

Me: Yeah,I did it an hour ago *starts cleaning

while on phone*

••

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main 

gate. 

His orders were clear. 

No car was to enter unless it had a special 

sticker on the windshield. 

A big Army car came up with a general seated 

in the back. 

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" 

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, 

"General Wheeler." 

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. 

You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." 

The general said, "Drive on!" 

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come 

through. 

I have orders to shoot if you try driving in 

without a sticker." 

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, 

drive on!" 

The sentry walked up to the rear window and 

said, "General, I'm new at this. 

Do I shoot you or the the driver?" 

••

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Jim woke up to find 

himself next to a really ugly woman. 

That’s when he realized he had made it home 

safely. 

••

''Everything is changing. 

People are taking their comedians seriously 

and the politicians as a joke.'' —Will Rogers 

••

The less people you chill with, the less

 problems you deal with....

••

A lady who was known as Churchill's main 

rival in parliament was giving a speech. 

Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his 

rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. 

She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston 

by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while 

I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. 

I do so purely by choice."

••••

••

♣♣

♥

''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, 

finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, 

and applying the wrong remedies.'' 

—Groucho Marx 

••

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.

They are all on different limbs at different 

levels.

Some are climbing up. 

Some are climbing down.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a 

tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see 

nothing but a bunch of a**holes.

••

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts..

1.Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

2.Teeth removing Taffy

3.Metamucil in a straw

4.Ex-Lax Brownies

5.Caramel Covered Zucchini

6.Colored Crisco on a Stick

7.Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

8.Chocolate Covered Prunes

9.A Handful of Red Man

10.Anything that ticks!

••

I have an answering machine in my car. 

It says: I'm home now,but leave a message and 

I'll call when I'm out.

••

A strained voice called out through the 

darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in 

the house?!" 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand 

next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single 

and interested in a date with a good, 

Jewish girl?"

••

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O 

consumption.

Says Jay Leno, "But LA is still No. 1 if you 

include recreational use. 

You know -- naked wrestling, Jell-O shots." 

••

There was a group of women at a seminar on 

how to live in a loving relationship with your 

husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you 

love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time 

you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, 

some didn't remember.

The women were then told to take their phones 

and send the following text:

"I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones 

and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!!???

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how 

much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is 

actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink 

during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

••

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, 

what is on the outside?

K9P.

••

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, 

finds his wife standing in the middle of their 

deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high 

heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the 

trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

••

Getting married is very much like going to 

the restaurant with friends....

You order what you want, and when you see 

what the other fellow has, you wish you had 

ordered that.

••••