Good Morning, Friends...
Good Weekend?
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked women with only
her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the
huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."

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One day Dan asks Bob......
"So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"
Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red
Ferrari outside?"
Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!!!"
Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie!"

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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

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I’d just come home from my sixth medical
appointment of the week with one more to go,
so I was in a lousy mood when my daughter
called.
After I recited my woes, my daughter said,
"Well, seven doctors is better than one coroner."

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What do you call a bunch of Pakis playing
instruments?
A Tali-band....

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I saw a female deer in my rear-vision mirror.
It was case of hind-sight.

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I thought my 82-year-old Grandma was really
old-fashioned when she said she was 'going to
powder her nose' when she went to the toilet.
It turns out she's got a massive cocaine habit.

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The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday.
That's a huge night for college players.
That's the night they start being paid over the table.

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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

Good Morning...From R-ville...
Virginia...
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It now appears that as many as a dozen members
of the Secret Service were involved in that
Colombian prostitution scandal.
Now six of the agents have been reassigned.
The other six are now party planners for the GSA.

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Went to a shrink today, she
says I have a split personality.
Charged me $84.00!!!
I paid her $42.00 and told her to get the
rest from the other guy ;)

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What about the first guy to eat an egg?
can you imagine the conversation?
Hey Fred, eat this.
What is it?
I don't know, it fell out of that chickens ass,
just try it.

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what did one fly say to the other fly?
Your man is open.....

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Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round
your horses and cows.
Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.

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A truck driver frequently traveled through a small
town where there was a courthouse at the side of
the road.
Of course, there were always lawyers walking
along the road.
The truck driver made it a practice to hit any
pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
 One day, he spotted a priest walking along the
road and stopped to give him a ride.
A little further along, as he approached the town,
he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the
road.
 Automatically, he veered his truck towards the
lawyer, but then he remembered his passenger.
He swerved back to the center, but he heard a
"whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted
the lawyer rolling across the field.
 He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure
that I missed that lawyer."
And the priest replied, "That's okay, my son.
I got him with the door."

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Romney proves with a little hard work and a little
luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from
Harvard can succeed in this country.

Good Morning.... Friends..
Would you believe it's Saturday....
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Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal
cancer.
I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put
them in my mouth.

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Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
in a staring contest.....
At the same time.

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The ditzy CNA was instructed to wash her hands.
"Both of them?"  she asked.
"No, just do one,"  replied her instructor. 
"I'm curious to see how you'll do it."

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"Somehow, I have to convince my mother and
father to spend more time learning about the
Internet," a teenage boy remarked glumly to an
amused friend.
"You're not going to believe this, but last night I
was grounded for using the word "blogging" in
front of my mother!"

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New medical students were made to take an
extremely difficult class in physics.
One day the lecturer was discussing a particularly
difficult concept.
A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we
need to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the lecturer responded quickly and
continued.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up
again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps idiots like you from graduating,"
replied the lecturer.

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Now that lawyers can advertise, says one reporter,
you had better brace yourself for the following
pitch from one who specializes in divorces:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back. "

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In a recent FDA study, the United States
government doctors who were conducting studies
on test drugs administered weekly doses of
VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and
lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved
enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply
grew taller.
 The US government researchers are at a loss to
explain.

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Did anybody hear that loud noise on the East Coast
this morning ??? Oh never mind, it was the
"Crack of Dawn".

Good Morning....everyone...
Get ready for the weekend....
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If you're interested in becoming a lawyer, you'll
need a degree. 
But as these court transcripts reveal, the question
is, in what?
ATTORNEY:   "How was your first marriage
terminated?"
WITNESS:      "By death."
ATTORNEY:   "And by whose death was it
terminated?"
WITNESS:      "Guess."
ATTORNEY:    "Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
 WITNESS:       "All of them. 
The live ones put up too much of a fight." 

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A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one
pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve
this stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for
another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we
doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind
with the pills, but he's about six months ahead
with the whiskey."

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Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked
with vodka had accidentally been served to a
luncheon meeting of local ministers, the
restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
clerics' reaction.
 "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter,
"what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter.
"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into
their pockets."

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Speaking of politics.....
It's supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realise that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.

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What with sermon preparations and anxiety,
the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the
week before he was to address his flock for the
first time.
So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted
and extremely nervous.
Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few
steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.
 However, he had barely begun his presentation
when everything he had planned to say flew right
out of his mind.
In fact, his mind went totally blank.
Then he remembered that in seminary they had
taught him what to do if a situation like this ever
arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind
you of what's coming next."
 Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the
very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:
"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."
Still his mind was blank.
He thought he'd better try it again:
"Behold, I come quickly."
Still nothing.
 He tried it one more time.
But in his panic, he pronounced the words with
such force that he lost his balance, fell forward,
knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a
flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little
old lady in the front row.
Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up,
apologized profusely, and started to explain what
had just happened.
 "That's alright, young man," said the little old
lady kindly.
"It was my fault, really.
You told me three times you were on your way
down here.
I should have just gotten out of your way!"
 

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Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
Oh My.....
It wasn't the light-hearted fart comedy I'd expected.

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I took a girlfriend to the beach.
I didn't realise it but when I got out of the water
you could see through my bathing suit.
 Girlfirend says.
"I always knew you were crazy, but now I can
see your nuts!"

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A man walks up to the counter and says;
"I want a polish sausage"
The man at the counter says "No, you must be
Polish!"
The man says "What do you mean I have to be
Polish in order to buy a Polish sausage?!?
Do I have to be Mexican to buy a taco?
Do I have to be Italian to buy pasta? What?"
 The person behind the counter responds "No, no
no, I meant you MUST be Polish.
This is a hardware store"

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Dear BP.....
If I wash my favorite Mississippi delicacy with
Blue Dawn, Is it safe to eat?

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Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb
a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped
into the air waving his front legs and crashed to
the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him
he's adopted."

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What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone?
A lot of crackling on the line.

 

Good Morning, Friends...
Our weather is crazy....
Up and down, temps....
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A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on
the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the
same subway car, noticed this strange
phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind?
Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish
newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews
disappearing through assimilation and
intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper.
Now what do I find?
Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media,
Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.
The news is so much better!"

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A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying
things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I
think it was still raining."
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying
derisively, "We don't care what you think. 
What do you know?"
The harried witness paused for a moment and
then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness
stand. 
Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

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A woman accompanies her pregnant girlfriend to court for an
alimony hearing.
"Have you also been served?" asks the judge the
woman.
"No" replies the woman "we just kissed".

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News Flash....
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one
compound, and never left the house for 5 years.
 It is now believed he may have called the
Navy Seals himself ....

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“There are three faithful friends, an old wife,
an old dog, and ready money.”
Benjamin Franklin

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Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay
treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that
her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair
several times with strong soap.
 That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over
to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive
oil?"
 "Why ?" he asked, pulling back.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"

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Chuck Norris was on Celebrity Wheel~of~Fortune
and was first to spin.
The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of
everyone standing around awkwardly just waiting
for the wheel to stop ... it was so weird.

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I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café.
They had cherry, pecan, berry, peach, and
Herman’s.
"What type of pie is Herman’s?"
I asked the waiter.
"Apple," he said.
"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"
"Because Herman called in to reserve it."

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I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Good Morning....Friends.
Hump day is here.....
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The President is angrily calling for more federal
tax increases.
He just heard from his advisors that some
American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet.

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While working on a medical/surgical floor,
I noticed one of my male patients had received a
very large basket of fruit. 
I walked into the room saying, "Wow, that is the
biggest thing I've ever seen!"
My patient said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I
was uncovered." 
I had to laugh out loud.

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A man in China discovered a new kind of fish that
looks like it has wings and legs.
The discovery has led to questions from biologists -
and a bidding war between KFC and Red Lobster.

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I was married when I met my girlfriend.
She told me emphaticallly that she wouldn't have
sex with a married man.
So,I divorced my wife and married my girlfriend.
Then I found out, much to my sorrow , that she
meant EXACTLY what she said!!

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My insurance man told me that the accident
policy covers falling off the roof... but not hitting
the ground.....

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My wife got naked and asked;
"What do you like most, my pretty face or my sexy
body?"
I looked her up and down and replied,
"Your sense of humour."

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When you're feeling down & out, remember this....
In 1976 on this day, Ronald Wayne sold his 10%
stake in Apple for $800, that 10% stake is now
worth $58 billion !!

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When a man asked to be excused from jury duty
the judge told him he needed a good excuse. 
"I'm required where I work." the man replied. 
"Your company can get by without you," the judge
said, "You're not indispensable."
The man sighed, "That's what I'm afraid they'll
find out."

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Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

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A guy down at the coffee shop said he'd had a
dream that he was alone in a boat with
Dolly Parton.
His pal asked, "How did you make out?"
"Great!" he said.......
"I caught a twelve pound bass!"

 

Good Morning, friends...
Well, it's a chilly 38º this morning..
Wonder how the Hummers like that?
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♥

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of
hungry wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
 After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other
and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it,
or should we stay here for a few days and out
number them?"

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at
the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do
you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet,
unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

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While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck
in a rural agricultural part of Iowa with my pet
donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a flat
tire.
I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its
head under the bumper to lift the truck.
 A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever
trick.
How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
 I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is
a jack ass."

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To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, redneck took
his wife to a large city and they checked into a
plush hotel.
Wife said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for
such a small room.
No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued.
“You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just
because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never
been to the big city, and never spent the night at a
hotel.
I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room;
this is the elevator!”

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A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his
lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane.
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed
to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage?”
she sighed.
“No more,” redneck said.
“Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!”

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I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw
sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to go off and buy my own.

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There are two kinds of people.
Those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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Two small-town merchants were visiting New York
City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
and drink.
At the end of the party, they both staggered
outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other
stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the
street, he noticed the other emerging from the
subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy,
"but you should see the train set that guy has in
his basement!"

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I was walking down the street, and this guy waved
to me.
Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
I said, I am.

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"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up,"
said John to his friend Pete.
"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple,
that you'd be together forever.
Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad,
can it?"
"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through
a red light district last night when Claire said:
"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies,
or whores
or whatever you call them."
And I said: 'It's Kelly, her name is Kelly.'"
John fell silent for a moment, and then said:
"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"

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I was pulled over for speeding, and I tried to
explain to the officer that I was hurrying home to
celebrate my first anniversary with my wife.
He didn't let me off with a warning. 
He handed me the ticket and said,
Happy anniversary!
The first year is paper, right?"

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