Any way you all have a great day.....
☺
Lets me in...I smell breakfast.....
Ands I want some of that ham....
☺
Well, there goes the morning coffee....
☺
I don't blame ya, let the dog do it.....
☺
Wonder what set them off?
☺
Now I see what scared them......
Damn... he is scary looking....
☺
Yes I buy my t-paper at a warehouse store....
Why you ask??
☺
He sez he hears something getting louder and louder...
☺
Opps..thats what he heard coming......
☺
Hey....thats gonna leave a boo-boo......
☺
Well, time for a nap........
☺
☺
♥♥♥
~~ A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
The biker drives on until he sees another car.
While passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No, I haven't."
Then suddenly there is a curve, and the biker sees it too late.
He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.
Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
☺
~~ ODE TO A SHEDDING CAT.....
I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew-cut cat.
☺
~~ At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
☺
~~ Pete wasn't very good at spelling.
During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word
"new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Pete, "what word would we have if we
placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Pete said, "Canoe?"
☺
~~ Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining aboutNurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb.
She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours...... He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!.... The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to
prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
☺
~~ whats the difference between a book and a booger?
the booger goes under the table.
☺
~~ A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed.
The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells,
"Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The drunk replies, "That's not a lion!..... It's a giraffe."
☺
~~ In 2004, Brian Price, a former inmate who once worked
in a prison kitchen in Huntsville, Texas, published a book
(Meals to Die For) featuring the recipes for many of the
220 "last meals" which he prepared for death row prisoners,
along with his personal recollections of their executions.
Among the recipes? "Post- mortem potato soup,"
"Uh-oh I'm dead meat loaf," and "Rice rigor mortis."
☺
~~ A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball
from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning.
He would set it on the corner of the podium.
After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball,
place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day...
A student fell asleep during the lecture.
The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the
podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student
squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket,
removed a baseball...
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.
☺
~~ Sir William Johnson (1715-1774)...administrator of American Indian affairs...once received a shipment of fine clothing from England - a shipment whose contents were greatly admired by the Mohawk chief Hendrick.
One day, Hendrick told Johnson about a dream which he had had - a dream in which Johnson had given him a sample.
Johnson, taking the hint, presented Hendrick with one of the finest outfits.
Some time later, Johnson told Hendrick that he too had had a dream - in which Hendrick had presented him with a certain tract of land on the Mohawk River, comprising some five thousand acres of fertile soil.
Hendrick dutifully presented the land to Johnson, but declared that they would no longer dream together.
"You," he lamented, "dream too hard for me, Sir William."
☺
☺
Todays Thought: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
No comments:
Post a Comment