Sunday, April 10, 2016

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Cashier: what's with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks
with my cat.
 
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Apparently "naked" is not the answer when someone
mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
 
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Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're
doing right now?
They're playing on their phone.
Everyone is playing on their phone.
 
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God"
on our money....
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
 
 
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
 
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Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas
and it's still printing.
 
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ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly,
there's no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
 
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Someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is
letting you know they're not here for discussions about
etiquette or anything really.....
 
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A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady
while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks:
“Then why did you eat him?”
 
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How do I collect my change at the gas station if I buy 1
gallon of gas at 1.99 9/10ths and hand the cashier 2.00?
 
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