Sunday, April 10, 2016


Cashier: what's with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks
with my cat.
Apparently "naked" is not the answer when someone
mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're
doing right now?
They're playing on their phone.
Everyone is playing on their phone.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God"
on our money....
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas
and it's still printing.
ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly,
there's no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is
letting you know they're not here for discussions about
etiquette or anything really.....
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady
while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks:
“Then why did you eat him?”
How do I collect my change at the gas station if I buy 1
gallon of gas at 1.99 9/10ths and hand the cashier 2.00?