Wednesday, March 9, 2016


A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer
and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "
Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life.
Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
I flirted with disaster last night.
Now disaster won’t stop texting me.
Preparing to go on vacation yet very concerned her
apartment would be burglarized while she was gone,
Mrs. Smilowitz taped a note to her front door saying,
When she came back from her vacation she found the
house was robbed and everything was gone except for
the dining room table.
On it was a note which read, "Where were you?
We looked for you!"
My New Year's Resolution was that I was going to stop
being sarcastic but I'm not a quitter.
I had a bug in my mouth and I gave it to my mom."
- My 5yo, explaining how he got a cold and gave it to me.
Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “Damn, dumb shit.... Did you already forget?”
Never say this to a woman during an argument .....
- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes
this morning.
- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
- Whoa, time out! The big game is on.
- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't
- You're so cute when you're angry.
- Wait a minute, I get it. It's that time of the month, isn't it?
Holiday Fact:
Women who put on weight over the Holidays are 98%
more likely to outlive their partners who point it out.
I’ve gotten myself into trouble with the wife again.
She came into the bar looking for me and I asked her
for her number.
What is the definition of Agony?
A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books....
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
3. Horton Hires a Ho
4. Fox in Detox
5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil