Wednesday, March 2, 2016

# 2995


Most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?"
because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one
of the better-known clowns.....
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know
that doesn't count.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore,
because he had four heads..
Hi, grandma?
Can you come pick me up from my rap battle?
It's over.
No, i lost. he saw you drop me off & did a pretty
devastating rhyme about it.....
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,
some prefer to just gargle.
Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage &
get how it works?
Me  (imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments
to me for years): Yes..
Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people
join together to solve the problems they never had before.
My boss told me He would pay me what I'm worth,
but there is a minimum wage law in Virginia.
I bought a self-help tape the other day.
It was called "How to handle disappointment."
When I opened the box, it was empty.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a
lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
They say 60 is the new 40.....
Try telling that to the cop who pulled me over....