Tuesday, March 29, 2016


Madonna's last movie was so bad,
that even when it was shown on a plane people got
up and walked out.
The man of the house was getting frustrated with his yard.
The grass just wasn't growing, wasn't green and lush like
he had expected.
He tried weed-n-feed, extra watering, and reseeding.
His grass just wouldn't grow.
The angry man sat down in the middle of his yard, and
yelled out, "Why aren't you happy, grass, I've done
everything for you!"
The grass replied, "Because I'm just not in the mood, dude.
Don't you know what I am? I am crab grass!
Now leave me alone, I am really not in the mood!"
My wife came home from the beauty salon...
I asked if the salon was closed...
I don't remember much else after that...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven
are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
"Someone offered me grapes, but I declined .
I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."
Woman calls her mother-in-law:
"Mum, who's duty is it to change the child if it poos itself?
Is it the dad or the mum?"
"It's the mum."
"OK, so could you come over please?
Your son got drunk and he's just shit himself."
Police on bikes arresting someone:
"You're under arrest.
Get in the basket"
 My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to
bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.......
 Screw those kids.
Let’s all take a minute and be thankful that bugs
aren’t the same size as us..
Check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar.
If it makes a volcano, its baking soda.
If not, your drugs is ruined.
Drugs are always bad..