Saturday, March 12, 2016


I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm
making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread
with 18 meatballs on it.
 [phone rings]
"We've removed your son's missing picture from our
milk cartons."
"You found him?"
"No, people stopped buying milk."
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:"Would you please give
your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage
in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
 In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
 In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
 In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 And in the USA they didn't know what
"the rest of the world" meant......
My New Year's resolution?
Option A - lose weight.
Option B - Buy bigger jeans.
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his
new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't
bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always
Smoking one pack of cigarettes a day decreases chances
of dying of old age......
Things you don't want to hear during surgery -
- Better save that, we might need it later.
- Come back with that! Bad dog!
- Ooops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- You know, there's big money in kidneys, and this guy's got two of them.
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?
- Has anyone seen my watch.
Some kids piss their name in the snow.
Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there
is no protection from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English
Teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?”
He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with
only his name at the top.
On first date:
"So, tell me something no one else knows about you."
"Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think
I'm single."