Sunday, March 20, 2016


Double whammy.
First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet
my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
A man was lying in a hospital bed, covered in bandages
from head to toe.
The guy in the bed next to him asked: "What do you do
for a living?"
"I'm a former window cleaner."
"Oh,when did you give it up?"
"About halfway down."
I just ordered a DVD titled "Bald and Barely Legal".
I was really pissed when I found out it was a documentary
about old tires.
*toy container falls off ship*
*Lego bricks wash ashore on a beach full of barefoot
*president declares a national emergency*
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people
who don't eat meat!
Me: don't forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Thank you to the brave tree who sacrificed its life so that
I could have this giant receipt from CVS for purchasing
a pack of Dentyne Ice.
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse.
Through the fog they could see a small boat making its
way toward them, with a lonely occupant.
Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man
into the water.
They sprang into action.
Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their
way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach
the man......... At last they got him aboard.
"It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man
said gratefully.
"I was coming out to see you about your income tax."
Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not worth anything.
You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor
owes me $500 and he won’t pay up.
What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?"
asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000
he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll
have your proof!"
What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast
it into a bullet.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers
at Toys R Us]
Me: discrimination ....