Thursday, March 31, 2016


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up
at school.
Worse news:
I'm a bus driver..........
Don't ask me for directions... 
I got lost on an elevator once.
Gina said to her daughter Amy, "What kind of a guy is this
new boyfriend of yours?....... Is he decent?"
Amy replied, "Yes, Mom.
He is very decent and well regarded.
He is a miser, never touches booze, does not smoke,
has a sweet wife and four adorable well-behaved kids."
Do I believe in climate change?
Uhh yeah I believe… it DOESN’T EXIST AHH HAHA
(a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HA,ha,ha, hey fire bird...
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while...
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag]
Uh good
A Newfie aunt was knitting her young nephew
some socks.
Then she got a letter from the boy's mother saying that
he had grown another foot since she last saw him.
So she started knitting him a third sock.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then
immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy,
but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked
things uneven.
Anyone who eats fish and chips every day is a
creature of halibut.