Sunday, February 14, 2016


*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Redskins drop offensive name....
The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced
that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team
name, and it will henceforth be simply known as
"The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts
a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement,
corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting
role-model for young fans of football.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars.
So excited about how skinny I'll be when I wake up
My wife just sat me down and confessed to me
that she used to be a Christian.
It came as quite a shock.
I've only ever known her as Christine.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says "Craftsman"
me: Are you crying?
I'll say again. "Don't lament growing older..."
You will still end up doing stupid shit...
You will just have to do it a little slower.
Dear Fox News, I have been
watching for five years now,
and still no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed..
After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years,
I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Wife: "One more word from you and I'm going back
to my mother."
Me: "Taxi."
A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant,
were doing some holiday shopping in crowded mall.
They had been trading humorous insults for most of the
evening, and the man decided that he was going to really
get her.
He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting
me, I'm not going to marry you!"
He was disappointed that only a few people around them
reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house
when she responded, "That's OK, I won't tell you who the
father is!"
Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...
ma'am don't flash the octopus.....
SHE: [pulls shirt back down] ok....