Monday, February 15, 2016


If you ever get arrested.....
wait till the cop says "anything you say can and will be
used as evidence against you in a court of law"
Then you say this: "please don't hit me again officer."
Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you've got a
blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.
 I'm in a constant battle between wanting a hot body and
wanting a hot fudge sundae.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your
eyebrows should you ever become comatose...
A woman has just finished her shopping......
for a party she was giving, and is taking a shortcut home
through the park.
Suddenly Gus jumps out of the bushes, opens his raincoat
and exposes himself.
The woman takes a breath, looks down at her shopping
bags, slaps her palm to her forehead and says:
"I knew it! I forgot the cocktail weenies!"
Drinking ink won't kill you, you'll just dye a little inside.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning.
Or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
 *types 'snowflake'*
 *types 'snowflake'*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that,
despite a total lack of training,
I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
How do you know when you're getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.