♥She: I think our sex would be off the charts..
Me: You have sex charts?
I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I waswalking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my
pants so he wouldn't see it..
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke startedcoming out of my Fitbit...
••STAR WARS SPOILERS; Admiral Ackbar has gained quite
a bit of weight and everyone calls him "Admiral Snackbar"
Women don't make good meteorologists becausethey're never wrong...
••*Eating mini Reese's cups*
5& 7yr old: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop...
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet isfollowing me around filming a documentary about a
raccoon out of its natural habitat.......
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asksto be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap
polyester suit and Immediately knew that he was guilty
"Sit down," says the judge.
"That's the prosecuting attorney."
Horn Broken, Watch for Finger...