Saturday, January 2, 2016

# 2035


She: I think our sex would be off the charts..
Me: You have sex charts? 
I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was
walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my
pants so he wouldn't see it..
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started
coming out of my Fitbit...
STAR WARS SPOILERS; Admiral Ackbar has gained quite
a bit of weight and everyone calls him "Admiral Snackbar"
Women don't make good meteorologists because
they're never wrong...
*Eating mini Reese's cups*
5& 7yr old: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop...
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is
following me around filming a documentary about a
raccoon out of its natural habitat.......
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks
to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap
polyester suit and Immediately knew that he was guilty
as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge.
"That's the prosecuting attorney."
Horn Broken, Watch for Finger...