Wednesday, January 27, 2016



My wife asked me: "Do you think the excitement and
romance has gone out of our marriage?"
I said: "I'll discuss it with you during the next
commercial break."
A plumber goes to a psychic and before he can say
anything she says, "I can see great wealth in your future. "
"You could be right, " he said, "I'm here to fix your water
heater. "
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like "this drug may cause severe sexiness"
If by "junk in the trunk" you mean the untouched gym
bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in
my trunk.
 Me: That does it!
 [bangs on upstairs neighbor's door]
[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
 Sup? Am I being too loud?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
"Guess who got laid last night?"
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me
for an electric train set.
“If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going
 to want to play with it too..... Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet.
So, moving the conversation along, I asked,
“What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside
service for someone with no family or friends.
It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon left early the
next morning for the cemetery.
However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got
himself lost.
When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse
was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his
vestments, and hurried to the open grave.
Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already
in place.
With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the
burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other,
“Maybe we should have told him he just blessed
a septic tank.”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze
circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered
out by vents.
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until
the room spins.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on
the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you
wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that. I thought you were sitting
on the cat."
Some people say that, Alcohols a drug.
Not me, I call it a vitamin.
Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.