Wednesday, January 20, 2016


My girlfriend broke up with me.
I am devastated.
How could you.
I did everything.
I surprised you with burgers every night..
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked
for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to
appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
I was going to start an Apathy Anonymous group,
but then I thought: why bother?
Guy from back of room: I'M DATING YOUR EX WIFE...
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt..
The Golden Globe goes to…
for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing
performance of taking longer than necessary.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car
is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream....
A mother was talking to her preschooler.
"Who is your favorite singer?" she asked.
The little girl quickly replied, "Jennifer Low Pants."
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium,
but I'm taking his advice with a grain of salt.
Lawyer says "innocent until proven... broke".
I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of
the upper spine...... Call it a hunch...