Wednesday, January 13, 2016


I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its
powers for good or evil today....
Some people might think it's cruel that the company I
work for started testing our new products on mentally
unstable people like Gus...
Well, they may have a point, I suppose...
 I work in a hammer factory.
My wife says it's time I lost some weight....
So she bought me a pedometer.
I have to wear it on my wrist and with every step I take,
it records the slight vibration and can tell how many miles
I have walked in one day.
It's great, I've been sitting at my computer all day, watching
It says I've walked 24 miles!
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just
before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation,
don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening
about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am?
 Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get
REALLY chatty.
 Cop: You're free to go.
Bartender: "You can't stand there, you're blocking the fire
 Me: "Don't worry, if there's a fire I won't be standing here."
An air traffic control tower lost communication with a
small, twin engine Aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered
by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost
communication, was on a cellular phone and yelling:
"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!""
"The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because he told
me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed
dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 8,000 feet in zero visibility and
traveling at 180 mph....Mayday, Mayday!!"
The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone and the
Controller spoke,
 "Calm down, calm down; we acknowledge you and we'll
guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
The Controller asked, "How do you know you are traveling
at 8,000 feet"?
"I can see that it reads 8,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in
front of me"
Controller, "Okay, that's good, remain calm.
How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph"?
"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in
front of me".
"Okay, okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast,
so how do you know you're flying inverted or upside
"The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".
We save women and children first because the dads have
to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set
A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers
do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Little Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"
We have enough gun control.
What we need is idiot control.