Friday, January 22, 2016


If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit
she better be holding more cake.......
I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around
my living room using two bananas as guns.....
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking
at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby,
"is that?"
He smiled condescendingly.
"That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
 See? Not nice, is it?
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from
a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
You know you're old when...........
You can't tell the difference between a heart attack and
an orgasm.
 Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
 "Getting lucky" means finding your car in the parking lot.
You sit in your rocking chair and can't get it going.
Conversations with people your age turn into
"duelling ailments."
All your favorite movies are re-released in color.
Your idea of "getting a little action" means not
needing to take a laxative.
Your recliner has more gadgets than your car.
impatiently yells]
"What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??"
And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.
I went to the pharmacy and asked:
"Do you have a cure for head lice?
The pharmacist said: "It depends on what's wrong
with them."
If you don't believe in evolution,
how do you explain corn dogs.
 Kid: What's this?
 Me: A napkin holder
 K: What's a napkin?
 M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty
 K: You mean like the couch?
 M: ...
[job interview]
 Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish.
Would you care to expand?
There was a problem with the catering
at my Bulimia Sufferers Annual Convention,
but I didn't want to bring it up..