Thursday, January 7, 2016



I put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I'm
motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the
ice cream..
When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not
looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face..
"That sucked." -Elephants who just saw
The Peanuts Movie..
It was so cold...
We had to stop eating with metal cutlery.
Some people walked around for days with spoons or
forks stuck to their tongues!
Roosters were rushing into KFC...
and begging to use the pressure cooker!
My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross
the street without them getting all excited and…
placing bets.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach,
now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
GROCER: slide your card..
 ME: it didn't work..
 GROCER: does it have a chip?
 ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was
saving for later* no.....
Bad First Date....
Don't worry about using a condom tonight, I'm already

Sometimes I wonder if my life is in shambles because of
all the chain letters that I never forwarded to ten of my
closest friends.
Tired of being single?
Just lower your standards a bit.
My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop..