Thursday, January 14, 2016



CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who 
robbed the bank.....
COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags 
with dollar signs on them..

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on 
everyone else.
Doc: ... 

Someone honked their horn to get me out of my parking 
space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead. 

My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and 
everyone I owe money comes to collect..... 

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment 
but never in a decade? 
A: The letter "m." 

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns 
a mattress factory. 

A man from the Census Bureau went to a trailer 
that was located up in the hills. 
When a lady opened the door, he asked her, 
"How many people are living here?"
The lady says, "There's me, and Pa, Bobby-Jo, Maggie-Sue,
The man interupted her, saying, "I don't need names, just
the numbers." 
She replied, "Numbers? We haven't run out of names yet!" 

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: 
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
 and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

An expert is one who knows more and more about less 
and less until he knows absolutely everything about 

"You can hide but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise giving 
the lowdown to her kids....

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for 
your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep." 

Good vs Bad..... 
 Good: Your neighbor sunbathes in the nude. 
 Bad: She weighs 350 pounds. 
 Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. 
 Bad: He's a pimp.

Men are like parking spaces...
The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped 
or too small. 

Don't judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics. 
but Judge the actions of ALL gun owners by the actions 
of a few lunatics. 
Got it. 
Thanks for clearing that up, Obama....