Monday, January 18, 2016


Dude on tv just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor."
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to
get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.....
Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with
him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him
a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?"
he demanded to know.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled.
"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied.
"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
“That podiatrist is very sneaky.
Give him an arch, he will take a foot...
In the restaurant....
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans...
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler.
I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought
of 10 minutes too late.
Games My Children Got Caught Playing.....
Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games,
Testing home made parachutes using household pets.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability
to watch people workout and then absorb their health
benefits ..
My mind has been wandering so long,
we're pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck
in front of me.. you should run too...

Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes
off your life.
Based on that math I should have died in 1732.....