Wednesday, December 9, 2015


Party time....

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it? 
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that
once you're dead, your Miranda rights don't
count for shit.
My psychiatrist believes in shock treatment.
He gave me his bill in advance.
I got banned from the zoo ..
for feeding the chickens ....... to the alligators.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
You don't get smarter as you get older.
There is just less stupid shit left to do that you
haven't already done.
A lonely woman buys a parrot for
After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word,
so the woman goes back to the pet store and
buys it a mirror.
The next week, she brings home a little ladder.
Polly is still uncommunicative, so the week
after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits
not a peep.
A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor
of its cage, dying.
Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers,
“Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”
The only thing a woman wants jumping out of
a cake is another cake.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week.
The first thing they told me to do was to stop
hanging around other alcoholics.
Best advice I ever got, So I stopped going.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me..
 ME: sure..
 WIFE: I meant with a knife..
 ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe):
aww man ..