Sunday, November 1, 2015



"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 hours
I said to my neighbour this morning.
I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to
get some sleep!"
"It would probably help if you got out of his kennel."
she replied...
In an effort to be a gentleman,
I held the door open for my wife.
Shortly after she said, "Would you please get
lost while I'm taking a shit ?"
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that
listened when I spoke and tried to help the
Then I woke up.
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught
10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine
 caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad
thieves stole the machine.
Why do people say children are the future?
They are clearly the present.
Old people are the future.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
What's the worst that could happen,
maybe you'll find a pulse ?
My mother-in-law is in the hospital.
They say she's not looking too good.
No word on her condition yet, though.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with watches you shave his face in
the mirror every morning.
Hate it when dudes say "leave something to the
like what do you think is under my clothes?
a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a
bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no...
 I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed
her bra with tissue paper.