Thursday, November 26, 2015



We're having the same thing this year for
Thanksgiving dinner as last year: relatives.
Who want's to put on bear costumes and go
with me to tear the shit out of the tents people
are camping in in front of Best Buy?
Scientists have grown human vocal chords
in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I just bought a transparent megaphone.
Now everybody will be able to hear me loud
and clear.
In the stock market today:
Helium was up, feathers were down,
paper was stationary, Fluorescent lights were
down in light trading, knives were up sharply,
pencil were down a few points, elevators were
up and down, escalators experienced a slight
decline, mining equipment hit rock bottom,
the market for raisins dried up, vacuum
cleaners picked up, caravans were trailing,
socks were unchanged, balloon prices were
inflated, and the bottom fell out of disposable
 Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
I don't get Roomba commercials.
Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the
 floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to
clean up...
The most important thing in a relationship is
If you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you
know she's not going to tell your wife?
Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in
this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was
removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."
A Muslim found the face of Allah,
in a tub of margarine.
His neighbor from Nepal saw it and said:
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill.
The wolf huffed and puffed and generated
enough power to last the whole winter.