Friday, November 27, 2015


Text is the perfect way of saying I have some
information I need to give you but I in no way
shape or form want to hear your voice....
A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't
A better time would be 3-4 months after their
birthday, in the middle of the night.
A man was arrested for publicly exposing
himself to the "wrong person,"
which implies somewhere out there the right
person is waiting.
An elderly woman went to her doctor,
complaining about not being able to hear out of
one ear.
The doctor then took his penlight, looked in
her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in,
and pulled something out.
After examining the object for a second, he
exclaimed, " seems you inserted a
suppository into your ear...".
The old lady thought for a second, then
responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I
can't find my hearing-aid...!".
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just
started following me yesterday, so I guess
I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put
these on... Superman?
her: I did.....
Three ways to tell if you're dating an Octopus:
 1. They give awesome hugs
 2. They have no skeleton
 3. Every date is at the aquarium 
"exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because
they're both the work of the Devil...
If you watch thanksgiving backwards its about
a angry family yelling at each other then the
uncle says something racist and everyone
calms down....
Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs,
I prefer a more friendlier tone like
Pro-sanity pills.