Monday, November 9, 2015


 [meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don't make a scene...
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there'd be
I'm smarter than I look.
I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn't
sure how to spell it so...
If at first you don't succeed, try drinking beer
while you do it.
You'll be amazed at how much less you care.
Of course kidnappers deserve ransom.
Otherwise it's just unpaid babysitting.
I can't afford studio family portraits, so
I loaded the wife and kids in the back of the
truck and ran a red light.
If a British person calls 911 and says,
"It's a bloody mess" how does the operator
know if there's blood or the person is just being
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker:
"Texas Ranger"...... Starring Chuck Norris.
Your call is very important to us.
Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo....
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish..
I've compiled my bucket list.
4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe,
2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy,
and 2 biscuits.