Monday, October 26, 2015


"Here's to Lamar Odom for being the first guy
in history to have coke and hookers save his
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery
wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical
school so I need all the luck I can get.
Cop: "Sir, would you please step out of the
Me: "I'm too drunk, why don't you get in."
I don't drink champagne any more
after a really bad experience.
We had it at my wedding.
If you're in an indoor shooting range and it
starts burning down, what do you yell to warn
My nephew got a lip piercing behind my back
today, and I was furious.
Ridiculous place for him to stand while I'm
casting my fishing line.
Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a
mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to
"remove pizza from box before consumption".
I married a gal who said she didn't believe in
sex before marriage.
In hindsight, I should have made sure she
believed in sex AFTER marriage.
Meeting disappointment head on.
Or, as I like to call it, waking up.
If you feel like you're going through a rough
patch, just remember that it only lasts through
*eats pizza out of box in bed.
*falls asleep.
*wakes up next to leftover pizza.
Voila! Breakfast in bed!..