# 2870

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or
anything, but I can still fit into the socks I
wore in high school.

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After a night on the town, a young woman
brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.
"You can't make any noise," she warned him.
"My parents are upstairs and if they find out
they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but
after a while alcohol got the better of the man.
"I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs.
The bathroom is right next to my parents'
 bedroom," she replied.
"Use the kitchen sink."
 So he dutifully retired to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he popped his head around
the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet
paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

 

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I ran three miles today.
Finally I said, "Lady, you can have your purse
back now."

 

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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey
about me uncorking my wine in his office.
He needs to make up his mind.

 

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Ate a whole box of donuts.
But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that
counts as a workout and balances out the
calories.

 

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I'm pretty confident I can perform this
Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube..

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I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner
at liver.

 

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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.

 

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Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you're
coming home, his face might burn up.

 

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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help
people overcome their fear of death.

 

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The freebie-jeebies...
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys
you a drink without asking.

 

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