Wednesday, September 9, 2015



Psychiatrist hotline....
voice messaging system:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to
press 2.
If you have multiple personality disorder, please
press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully and
a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are
and what you want.
Just stay on the line til we can trace the call.
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being
only skin deep.
That’s deep enough.
What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
Actual newspaper headlines....
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers..
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents..
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms...
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over...
 Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim..
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66..
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax..
Miners Refuse to Work after Death..
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ..
Stolen Painting Found by Tree..
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24,
but was replaced by the producers when he managed
to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes
and 37 seconds.
Q: Why does a Giraffe have long legs?
 A: So that it can reach the ground.
I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I
could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to
bring it back tomorrow!"
Marriage still confers one very special privilege -
only a married person can get divorced.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah.
If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris.
Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear
proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the
less painful way to die.
Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's
extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, " I appreciate the fact that at last he's
 found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home
and finishing it in our bedroom."
"Why, what's his new job?"
" He's an embalmer."