Sunday, September 27, 2015


ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on
my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift*
Thank him for me, willya?
Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ?
If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete,
you'd be shot on the spot.
I asked my yoga instructor about her schedule
she said she's flexible.
Hymns for Senior Citizens.....
"Precious Lord, Take My hand and Help Me Up”..
"It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”..
"Just a Slower Walk with Thee”..
"Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”..
"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”..
If tomatoes are classified as a fruit, doesn't that
mean ketchup is technically a smoothie?
I broke my leg and the doctor said he was going
to put me in a cast.
How does he expect me to sing and dance in
this condition?
Daughter: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
Daughter: "But I don't have a ................................
Finally, the relatives of the inventor of the clock
have released his autobiography.
It's about time.
A guy was driving down the highway with his
smokin' hot blonde girlfriend and she said to him,
'I think those people in the car next to us are
from another country.
'Why is that?' he said.
'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it
 ...'stit ruoy su wohs '..
Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately
known as "Please stop taking pictures of my
flowers you weirdo."