Sunday, September 20, 2015



I don't think these photographs you've taken do
me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy!
A pious man who had reached the age of 105
suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so
many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi
asked, "How come after all these years we don't
see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his
"I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.
"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me
any day.
But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've
forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
We had a ninja competition tonight…
but we don't know if anyone showed up. 
Argueing -with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon...
no matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on
the board and strut around like it won anyway. 
Mr. Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell
down the wishing well.
Mr. Brown: It works!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone…
using my phone as a flashlight.
A wife sending a short message to her husband:
It was just said on the news that they found a
hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar
among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor
in his hand.
I'm worried about you!.
Please, give me a ring...
Shopping malls have benches to sit on so that
guys can sit down while they give up the will to live.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date..
with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house
later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my
latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."