Friday, August 7, 2015


Sea Slug...


I was going to fly somewhere..... 
Boarding the plane I saw that there were fat guys sitting 
around my seat. 
Realizing it was a long flight, and not wanting the 
uncomfortable inconvenience, I found another seat 
and sat there. 
This guy came up to me and said "Excuse me. 
You're in my seat". 
I said "Excuse me..... back off" 
He said "Well then, fly the damn plane yourself".. 

 [Trying to impress a girl on a date]
 Me: "Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free." 

I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.
Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan 
but I like the way you think. 

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there 
was a "Muslim Book Store." 
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim 
bookstore so I went in. 
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk 
stopped me and asked if he could help me. 
I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book 
on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and 
The clerk said, "[Bleep] off, get out and stay out!" 
I said, "Yes, that's the one. 
Do you have it in paperback?" 

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on 
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles. 

Breaking news...... 
Practice was called off at the Raiders training facility 
Players arrived early this morning and found an 
unknown, white, powdery substance on the field. 
The FBI was brought in and, upon further investigation, 
agents were able to successfully identify it as the 
goal line. 

Advertisers think we're like "Oh a pop-up ad is in the 
way of the thing I actually want to watch? 
I should purchase whatever it's selling!" 

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an 
argument in front of you. 
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left. 

I went to the aquarium today... and saw a whole bunch 
of ancient fish. 
It was old school ! 
AND... to head off the really obvious replies... 
I did it just for the halibut.
Oh my cod ! 
Did you go at night?
I bet that was salmon chanted evening ! 
Did they have any sole singers there? 
Like Vince Gill I bet there were a lot of people 
floundering around. 
Watch out though, some of them are bottom feeders. 
>Sorry for the puns, I just couldn't kelp myself ! <

I don't mean to brag… 
but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours 
and 15 minutes.