Saturday, August 1, 2015



Sam was taking a stroll down the street when he 
noticed a crowd running in his direction.
He stopped one of the men and asked, 
"What's going on? Why is everyone running?"
The man replied, "A tiger has escaped the zoo and is 
running loose."
Sam asked, "Oh my God! Which way is it headed?"
The man replied sarcastically....
"You can't possibly be 
thinking we are chasing it!!"

I'm watching some television tonight. 
I'm watching The Discovery Channel. 
You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching. 
It just happens. 
Youre flickin around, all of a sudden -- boom -- 
your'e watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. 

You might be a reneck if...
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes 
and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" 
written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is 
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack 
of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday 
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car 
to make it look new.

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. 
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow 
to have my bags packed. 

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped 
at the door to speak to the minister. 
"Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from 
the mistakes of another?" 
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that 
Frank would even ask such a question. 
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd 
consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to 
marry my wife and me last July."

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident gum. 
The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife. 

Rosy said to her husband Dave, "You know sweetheart, 
you are like a lawn-mower?"
Dave said, "Now where did that come from? 
What do you mean?"
Rosy replied, "It's difficult to get you started, you release 
stinking odors, and you don't work most of the times."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. 
The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing 
physically wrong with him. 
“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure 
your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles 
to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to 
sleep alone.”

The skydiving instructor was going through the 
question and answer period with his new students 
when one of them asked the usual question always 
asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve 
doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit 
the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect 
deadpan answered: "The rest of your life." 

In the library..... 
Customer: I'd like to check out a book called 
"Man - Lord of a Woman". 
Librarian: You'll find science fiction on the
third floor.