Hey lady, your dog just ruined my smiley-face ice
Just when I got a new lease on life, they raised the rent.
My wife, who is a Jehovah's Witness, became ...
an Avon Lady.
Saves her a trip when she knocks on your door.
My wife just had plastic surgery.
I cut up all her credit cards!
When one waits for the waiter does he not in that
moment become the waiter ??
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed
to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...
It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline.
It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
If you find one, what's your plan?
My great, great, great grandfather got screwed....
He invented the descender.
Unfortunately, people cared more about going up than
going down, so everyone remembers Otis and his
elevator and no one remembers Morty Schlepperer.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known
you were just going to criticize me....
A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married
5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and whose
lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will
be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank
account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.