Democracy is that form of government where everybody
gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such
a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a
large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a
dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you
cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph while
flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
After the fiasco with the word 'fascinate' the teach decided
to give the word 'fluctuate' to little Johnny for composing a
Johnny stood before the class and said, "Yesterday our family
went to a new restaurant.
I walked through the family room just after my dad broke wind."
At this, the teach interrupted, thanking Johnny for his choice
of words and asked him to continue, using the assigned word.
"Well, the smell was so bad I asked my dad,
'What the fluctuate?'"
Taking my wife to Home Depot...
so she can pick out a new door to slam.
You can tell a lot about a woman...
by the way she throws a toaster at you....
Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?
One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!
You lost your phone and it's on silent?
Too bad...if you liked it then you shoulda put a
ring on it.
I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass,
but it turned out to be Whoomp!
And there it is, all over my floor.
Dear family, Thanks for putting empty boxes back
in the cabinet, there's nothing like having
disappointment for breakfast...
Took my 3rd self-defense class,
so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on,
very slowly, with a fake knife in their right hand...