Tuesday, June 23, 2015


I'm happy when life hands me lemons...
Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.

My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy 
them a beer. 
Turns out they wanted one each. 

Friends- What did you get for your birthday?
Her- He went to Jared. 
Friends- You're engaged!!! 
Her- No, Jared is our weed dealer. 

 I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..
is this normal?
Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it. 

Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets 
of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can 

Finally got a phone at my desk....... 
In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people 
are running to catch their refrigerators. 

I walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club five minutes late. 
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."

It's bad when....
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace
 the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time 
about doping? 
Going to the moon is very scary shit! 

I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience 
for what it cost me.