I'm happy when life hands me lemons...
Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.
My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy
them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
Friends- What did you get for your birthday?
Her- He went to Jared.
Friends- You're engaged!!!
Her- No, Jared is our weed dealer.
I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..
is this normal?
Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it.
Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets
of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can
Finally got a phone at my desk.......
In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people
are running to catch their refrigerators.
I walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club five minutes late.
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."
It's bad when....
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace
the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time
Going to the moon is very scary shit!
I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience
for what it cost me.