Tuesday, June 30, 2015



I guess he likes KFC chicken..

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday". 
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Whenever I see a sign on the door that reads 
'fire exit' I think the guy who put it there mustn't 
know fires can't read.

Religion as Baseball;
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. 
Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, 
stuffed crust, extra toppings.

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, 
but asked to be excused because she didn't 
believe in capital punishment and didn't want 
her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from 
running its proper course. 
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness 
and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that 
she was appropriate to serve on the jury. 
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder 
It's a simple civil lawsuit. 
A wife is bringing this case against her husband 
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had 
promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her 
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. 
I guess I could be wrong about capital 
punishment after all." 

If I had known I was going to have this much 
sh*t to do at work today, I wouldn't have come 
in sober. 

The hardest part about having an ugly child is 
lying to them when they ask you if you love them. 

When I text you a whole paragraph and you text 
me back 40 minutes later saying "K." 
Are you asking to be punched?

Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, 
via the World Wide Whiff. 

I always go to the fattest kid at the concession
stand to buy popcorn at the movies because he 
knows how to butter it properly. 

Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A: A frostitute. 

Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother 
To be as rich as his child believes. 
To have as many women as his wife suspects...