Wednesday, May 13, 2015


A senior citizen was kinda bored with retirement, 
 so he decided to open a medical clinic. 
He put a sign outside that says, 'Get treatment for $50,
if not cured get back $100." 
A local doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up 
the guy and earn a quick $100, so he visits the clinic. 
Patient (doctor): I have lost my sense of taste.  
Sr. Citizen: Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and 
place 3 drops in the patients mouth.  
Patient (doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "Hey!! 
This is not medicine, it's gasoline."  
Sr. Citizen: Congratulations! .. you're cured! 
You have your taste back....that will be $50. 
The Doctor gets annoyed at losing to the Sr. Citizen, and so 
he returns after several days determined to recover his money. 
Doctor : I seem to have lost my memory and I can't remember 
a thing.  
Sr. Citizen: Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and 
put 3 drops In the patients mouth.  
Doctor: "But that medicine is for the sense of taste!!"  
Sr. Citizen: "Congratulations! Your memory is back ..
that'll be $50!" 
The Doctor leaves again, but after several days angrily 
returns for one last try, and more determined than ever 
to recover his money. 
Sr. Citizen: "So what seems to be the problem?" 
Doctor : "My eyesight has suddenly become very weak". 
Sr. Citizen: "Well, seems I don't have any medicine for that. 
Here, take this $100 and go."  
Doctor : ...."But this is only a $10 bill!!"  
Sr. Citizen: "Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten 
a lot better!!....That will be $50......

Accidentally cut a guy off on the freeway. 
He was pretty good about it though. 
He pulled up alongside me and gave me half a peace sign.

I was wondering.................. 
Do women shake the nozzle on the gas hose when they're 
done filling, or is that just a guy thing? 

My wife said, 
"I've noticed that your new secretary is very pretty and wears 
a short skirt." 
I said, "Sorry dear - she's not into women." 

I saw a string hanging down from my wife's legs, 
so I did the only thing I knew.... 
I pulled it and it said, "The cow says...... MOOOOOOOO......" 

My chiropractor told me my main problem is 
that I don't walk fully erect. 
I told him, if I start walking out in public fully erect, pain in 
my back will be the least  of my problems..... 

At a four way stop,
It's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most 
Duct Tape goes first. 

My neighbor She's single... 
She lives right across the street. 
I can see her house from my living room. 
I watched as she got home from work this evening. 
I was surprised when she walked across the street and 
up my driveway. 
She knocked on my door... 
I rushed to open it. 
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! 
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and 
make love all night long! 
 Are you busy tonight?" 
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" 
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" 

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy 
phone number, something that's real easy to 
Something like two two two two two two two. 
I would say "Sweet." 
And then people would say, "Gus, how do I get a 
hold of you?" 
I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I 
answer, you will know you have pressed two 

Me: would you wear shoes if you had no feet?
Girl: No,of coarse not
Me: Then why do you wear bras?

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, untied by a lawyer.