Friday, May 15, 2015



My boss told me to get my butt in gear. 
I told him I was shiftless.

One of the responsibilities of the president of the 
Vegetable Growers' Association of America 
is that once a year he must give the State of the Onion Address. 

An old man from way out in the boondocks made 
it to new York and got on the subway. 
He sat down next to a younger man. 
He noticed that the young man had a strange kind
of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, 
sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on 
The young man smiled kindly and answered, 
"I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The old man thought a second and responded, 
"Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar 
Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am 
the Father for many."
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the 
father of many. I have six sons, five daughters 
and many grandchildren. 
But I wear my collar like everyone else does. 
Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently,
"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds 
of people."
The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long 
As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned 
over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you 
should wear your pants backwards." 

Gus: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life. 
Flex: Oh, and is it? 
Gus: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn time. 
I actually had to participate! 

Classes at R-ville school were cancelled because 
the path to the restroom was flooded.

A Young lad swallowed a number of scrabble tiles 
this morning, could spell trouble on his next visit 
to the bathroom.

How Fast Was I Going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that 

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see 
if anyone was nearby. 
Nobody was. 
It's called the edge, & I am livin on it ...

The following historical figures were invited to 
a party: 
  Darwin said he would have to see what evolved. 
  Watt reckoned it would be a great way to let off 
  Ohm resisted the idea at first. 
  Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm. 
  Einstein said it would be relatively easy for him 
to attend. 
  Wilbur Wright accepted, providing he and Orville 
could get a flight. 
  Edison said he thought it would be an 
illuminating experience. 

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage 
of conviction, and a cat. 
The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by.